Not having a good day. I had therapy this afternoon. I had to take a pain med before it started because my ankle was acting up. I was kind of out of it while talking with my therapist. I know I got really depressed while talking with her. Seemed like a blanket of doom covered me while we were talking. I couldn’t shake it. I still feel that way. We were talking about my “splits” where I feel like half a day I am ok and then at night the demons come out. She can’t make sense out of them anymore than I can. She doesn’t know if medication can help but she really wants something to be done as she knows how lethal my moods can become.
After therapy, I made myself some lunch and tried to get a nap in but I just couldn’t get into a deep sleep. I had music playing so that is probably why. I still feel kind of sleepy. I still feel depression of gloom over me.
My pdoc didn’t have much to say about my “splits”. She only asked if we were still meeting tomorrow. I HATE when she doesn’t give me any input. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. But no one around me is noticing. I am mostly in my room. Only time I get out is to get food or go to the bathroom as the house is so damn hot. I can’t take the heat of the house or the humidity and the A/C is only in my room. But even when I have dinner with my mother she doesn’t notice a change. The only time I do leave the house is when I go to Starbucks, though I might go to Walgreens to get some snacks.
I don’t know why I keep to myself. I guess it is because there is no one really to talk to other than my online friends. It’s not that I have been purposely keeping myself isolated. I just have no social life. My few friends that I have, have been busy. And with this depression, I really don’t want to really socialize anyways because I just feel so low.
My therapist is keeping a better eye on me now that she knows about these “splits”. She thinks because I keep my self so compartmentalized that the depressive side comes out when I am most vulnerable, when I am ready to sleep. Last night I didn’t stay up too late. I took some meds and added some and was asleep by 0100. I can’t remember if I had a good or bad night. I know that I was feeling a little hyper the beginning of the night. But taking my antipsych med calmed me down.
I don’t know why I feel this cloak of doom. It feels like a weight following me around. I don’t feel pain of any sorts, other than my ankle being a pest. But I just feel so gloomy. It’s awful. I hate feeling this way but I accept it because what else are you going to do? It’s not like you can see this blanket to take it off.
midnightdemons7 
I don’t know if I ‘split’ or not, Just know late nights are the worst. that’s when I get the ‘I should have, could have, wished I would haves, why didn’t I”‘, and ruminate over EVERY THING when I’ve acted foolishly, done something/said something I shouldn’t have. Got a hair cut today~REAL short & ‘spiked’ I look like the fool I feel I am.
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No problem. I have looked at my writing and I can’t believe how down I am. The feelings in the writing are so palpable. I usually have no recollection. I have never self harmed in my adult life. I did self harm in a dissociative state when I was a teen. That has been the only time but sometimes I overdose because I forget I took the pills. It’s a risky business. Thank you for your comments. they are appreciated.
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Yeah I did that for a bit too, even self-harmed which almost had my therapist calling 911, since I freaked not remembering it. Sometimes my dissociation is similar to psychosis– I can’t take reality I need a break so something takes over and I have limited control and memory. Quite scary. I recently wrote out some times this has happened and put two columns one for consistencies how I usually act and one for inconsistencies. It helped me see that whatever part of me was doing that it was also part of the normal me. Example: I have a pattern of self-harm, the number of cuts is odd and the cuts are parallel to each other there is also a usual body area. All these happened even though I didn’t remember the incident of course there were things that were inconsistent as well, but at least the some consistency comforted me.
Maybe look into what you write? How is it like you, how is it not? Sorry turned into a long comment.
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I don’t know if there is a pattern but it’s almost like I get into a dissociative state because I don’t remember what goes on during the night. I have written emails and written in my journal and have no recollection of doing so. it is scary
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My voices and other problemsome symptoms come out at in the evening/night or when I am more vulnerable and I have little energy to deal with it whether from lack of sleep or just overwhelmed. Maybe there is some pattern to yours?
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