UGH For the first time in years, I am having a problem connecting to the internet at Starbucks! This sucks because I wanted to look up lyrics for my lyric book and hopefully work on my other book today. But now it looks like I will just work on my other book. And my blog.
I started thinking about what I was going to write. Last night I was too tired for the demons to come out. I actually thought I would be up will at least 2200 but I was a goner before that time. I was watching the movie Lincoln and really don’t know what time I passed out. The thing that sucked was that I woke up at 6:30 in the morning. I fell back to sleep after I had something to eat. Now I am having my coffee and I am contemplating what to have for lunch. I need to get some more Gatorade as I am running low. I have to take it with my meds as water sometimes causes some of the pills to dissolve quickly in my mouth and it is gross.
It is very difficult writing this book. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I still cannot connect to the internet while at Starbucks. I guess I will upload this when I get home.
I am feeling a little lost today. I was supposed to kill myself today. That was the plan for the longest time. And like I thought, I don’t feel like killing myself. But that doesn’t mean that I am not suicidal. I just feel like I let myself down, again. I don’t know why I bother saying I am going to kill myself if I am not going to go ahead with it. I think I am just the “cry wolf” so many times that I actually don’t think I am capable of killing myself despite coming up with elaborate plans to do so. All that planning has gone to waste. I find it depressing that I am not living yet I can’t die. I really wish my body would wake up and realize how dead I feel inside all the time. I can’t feel happiness. I can’t feel joy. All I feel is this emptiness inside that is killing me. I really feel that if my feelings were connected to my autonomic system, maybe I would have the chance of dying in my sleep.
I am fricken cold in the Starbucks today. I meant to bring a long sleeved t-shirt but I forgot it. I actually have no idea where my long sleeved t-shirts are. I think they are buried with my other winter clothes. I have an hour before the bus gets here. I just missed the one I could have taken but I really want to get a few pages of my book writing in.
I started re-reading the article on suicide reaction and it just further justifies the reasons why I should be dead and not living. I feel I have no future. I really thought I would be dead this weekend so I have stopped thinking about what the next few weeks will bring. Or months.
My writing friend has come up with giving rewards for writing as an incentive. My gift to myself this month is getting Luke Bryan’s new CD. And possibly Keith Urban’s new one as well. It all depends on what is left over after I pay my bills for the month. I hate budgeting. I feel like I need to get a job just to have spending money for the month. But as long as I am still owing money for my LTD, I can’t get a job. This so sucks. I don’t even know if I will be able to find a job. I have been out of work for a year now and even though I kind of like my new routine, it is pretty boring. My only respite is getting out for coffee each day, other than going out for doctors appointments. I just don’t know if I can handle the challenge of working again. I am so fearful that mentally I will have a breakdown because it will be too stressful or that the voices will be too much and I will have to quit. I really would love to work for Starbucks but I am not sure I can stand for eight hours or more. I know that I won’t be able to do stock because I can’t lift anything heavier than fifteen pounds. And I can’t bend over because of my back issues. I really just need a desk job but then I worry that I will have lose my insurance. I know I will lose it once the LTD stops. I will then have to go on the state plan and hope that my primary doc accepts it. I don’t know if I will have to pay for it. I hope I don’t because I am on disability. I also have been thinking of applying for food stamps because I can’t afford food shopping in my budget right now. I have been living off whatever my mother cooks and buys but it would be nice to have my own food, which she doesn’t like. Granted I buy the cold cuts that are “expensive” but it is what I like. Boar’s Head is not cheap but it is so good. I also like getting the PF Chang Chinese frozen dinners that you just heat up on the stove. Again my mother doesn’t like this but I do. It beats buying $20 (USD) of take out Chinese but the down side is no appetizers. But this month I plan on treating myself to Chinese because I didn’t kill myself. I think that is a good enough reason…
midnightdemons7 