A fellow blogger recently wrote about things being all or nothing. That phrase has been stuck in my head since I read it because it is so true. We all have this idea that we should do things and complete the tasks we all set out to do in our minds. No one is telling us to do these things (unless you have commanding voices). But when you have physical illness, we forget our limitations to follow through what our mind wants and thinks we should do. Yesterday I went and got my breakfast at McDonalds and then had my coffee at Starbucks. It was 9 in the morning so I had plenty of time to kill before my therapy appointment at 12:30. I came home around 11 and just chilled until my appointment time. I was also waiting for a friend to email for our blog exchange. After therapy and after my friend exchanged our blogs, I had to pick up my niece. I walked the 8-9 blocks to the school and back. I let her watch TV and have a couple of snacks before I ordered pizza for dinner. Then had her do her homework and watched her until her father came home a few hours later. By 7 pm I was exhausted. I tried to watch the game but it proved to be too much for me. So I made my last trek up the stairs to my room for the night and checked a my email for the night when WHAM my foot started spazzing and exploded in pain. It got really bad because when I held my foot to sort of message it out, I could feel the muscles twitch. I had a horrible night of pain. And it drove me crazy. At one point, I had an out of body experience where I didn’t think my foot was mine. The pain got worse instead of better, even though I had taken pain medication. I seriously got suicidal and wanted to OD on everything I had but I couldn’t get up off my bed to do it. I eventually went to sleep.
This morning when I woke up I still was in pain. I have been battling the pain all day. I knew I had only one thing I could do today. I could either go to the grocery store to get some stuff or I could go and get my one cup of coffee. I decided to go to the grocery store and now I am totally done for the day. My toes look like Vienna sausages and my ankle/foot is throbbing like no tomorrow. I took my pain meds so I am going to pass out now. My goal of writing four pages is not going to be met. I hope when I wake up I can do something more but for now I need sleep. Being in pain is exhausting.
midnightdemons7 