chronic pain sucks

Been in a sour mood all day. I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I wanted to have coffee but there was no more half and half in the house. I woke up in pain so I have been trying to sleep most of the day. I finally fell asleep for about an hour when my niece came home yelling at her sister for something. I was so mad. I did go out to get something to eat and a jelly donut. I was craving one. I know I shouldn’t as I have been eating crap the last few days but I so wanted a donut.

Today was my cousin’s baby shower. I didn’t go. I hate going to those things. I consider it a female thing so I just don’t go.

I really am tired today. I have been trying for the past hour to come up with some writing but nothing is coming to me. Oh and I tweeted Andrew Solomon today and surprisingly, he tweeted back! I was excited!! My twitter handle is noondaydemon75, which is named after his book. I am re-reading his book but can’t really get into reading. My brain is just toast. I had a hard time sleeping last night so decided to read some of the Lincoln book until 3 am. I didn’t sleep more than 6 hours before I woke up in pain again. I am in pain now. I just don’t care anymore. Right now, it just feels like a bad toothache.

I don’t know what to make of my pain. I was reading my old blog site and seems like this started the end of January of 2011. So it has been over two years that I have had this pain, and I feel it almost every single day. Nice (not). As I was reading my blogs, I noticed just how bad the despair was. I also read the fear I was having that this was a back issue and how much I was going to kill myself because of the pain and if I got CES x 3. Not much has changed since those writings. I still am suicidal and I am still in a lot of pain. I have seen over I don’t know how many different doctors/specialists for the problem and it seems, according to my writings, that no one was willing to help me with it. Even now my PCP, though he does give me my pain medication, sends me to other doctors. It is like I just can’t go in for one month and just get my script and walk out without some kind of theory he gets. I don’t care anymore. The pain as far as I am concerned is caused by nerve damage and the diagnosis is according to three doctors is complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know what that really means but I know it can’t be fixed. And as long as the pain medication takes care of the pain a little bit, I am happy with it. Structurally, there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle/leg except for some mild swelling, which no one has been able to get down. Even after a year of inactivity, I still get the swelling. I still have a lump on my leg where there is swelling.

And the whole thing depresses me. I can’t go for long walks like I used to. I can’t stand for more than twenty minutes without some kind of pain attack. At night my foot or ankle will start to bother me more than anything and I want to die from the pain. It will start off as small and then it will rear its ugly head all the way through half the night. Sometimes if I take my meds early enough I can go to sleep without it getting bad. Other nights, the anxiety it puts me through is too much and I am up all night, sometimes till 6 am.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I have to take my father to a medical appointment and then I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon for the medical students interview. I am dreading it because I know that it is going to be a long day and I am not going to sleep very well. I hope that before I drop my sister off at work I can get my coffee as I know I am going to need it. I might even have two in the day. But we’ll see.