psychosis and pain

I wasn’t going to blog today but seeing as I can’t sleep because of pain, I thought I would at least give an update.

I am not doing well. My foot has so many different types of pain going on right now at varying levels that I just want to scream. I am waiting for pain meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I did a lot today. I picked up my niece from her after school program and went to Walgreens a few times because even though I got an email saying my prescription was ready, it wasn’t. The doctor’s order didn’t go through yet. But no matter. I got some donuts and my pop tarts that I have been craving. I will NEVER buy “Nice” products again!! Their donuts suck! Actually, I have yet to find a “Nice” product that didn’t suck.

I called my pdoc today to give her an update on the psychosis. She wanted me to go into the hospital. I don’t feel like it. I think that maybe I should but I got to get through this pain flare up. I know they aren’t going to readily give me my pain meds on the unit. I had hell the last time I was on the psych unit to get them. And especially how the stupid script is written, I probably won’t be able to take two at a time like I do when I am home. Sometimes one does suffice, sometimes it doesn’t. I also have to be wary about my birth control pill as I don’t want fucking break through bleeding again. The idiot admitting doc always puts meds at the morning and I take all my meds at night, right before bed. I will have to stress that to the docs and admitting nurses because if I get a call at 8 in the morning to take my meds I am going to be more than pissed off.

I still have the song on loop in my head. And the lyrics are still talking to me about death and dying. I haven’t told anyone. I was going to tell my sister tonight but she was wicked stressed from work I didn’t want to burden her more. I will eventually because it looks like I will be going in. I just want this flare up a little bit under control before I do go in.

It’s really going to suck being inpatient because I won’t be able to blog. I might be able to if I have access to my phone but there is no guarantees that I will. I still am planning on what to pack for clothes and stuff. I have no idea what I am going to read, if anything. I find it hard to read anyways while in the hospital but I might be able to finish the Lincoln book I am reading if I take it with me. Only thing is, it’s a heavy book and I am not sure I want the extra load as I might have to take the T home if my sister is unable to pick me up. I want to pack light but I usually over pack or take too much. I usually end up taking the T to the hospital anyways. This time I am thinking I might go to where I used to work as I am afraid I will end up somewhere else. Only trouble is that I don’t know where I will end up. I hope that I will go where I was before but am afraid the ambulance ride will cost me too much like when I went to the city hospital near my town. Since going on a new insurance, I don’t have 100% coverage like I used to have. I think I have like 80% coverage or something like that. I know I want to bring just one bag with me. And maybe a backpack. I usually pack a bag of clothes and then my backpack has my reading stuff and journal. I usually also carry my pillow as the hospital pillows suck!

I hope the extra trilafon that I am taking helps. I really don’t want to go in the hospital if I can avoid it. But a part of me knows what is probably not going to be possible with the level of psychosis that I have been having.