feeling uneasy

Been having a rough few days. Psychosis has not let up but I have so far avoided going in the hospital. I just can’t go in for material reasons. My baby (laptop) is on its way back to me and today because my mother is deaf, missed the doorbell. Now I have to wait till Monday to get it back. If I got my laptop today, I would have made a plan to go in the hospital on Monday. Now, no such luck. I really need the break. I am having command auditory hallucinations (AH) and those are really difficult to deal with in an outpatient setting. But my psychiatrist didn’t seem too concerned, though I really downplayed the severity of the AH. I still am wicked paranoid and can’t shake the feeling that I am being watched.

The day did not bode well for me because I woke up in severe ankle pain. I was close to cancelling my appointment with my psych today but I knew that if I did, I would have a hard time getting another appointment. And if I did go in the hospital, I would have a hard time getting discharged if I don’t have an appointment. Sometimes you need to have the follow up appointment with your therapist and psychiatrist before they can consider discharge. I am not hoping to stay too long in the hospital but I can be there up to fourteen days. I also stressed to my psychiatrist that I wanted to watch the Sox game today so I couldn’t go in. She joked but she knew I was serious. She knows that if I was really feeling bad, a baseball game wouldn’t matter to me.

Other than trying to write and keep up with this blog, I am having a wicked hard time with my other writing. I have been journaling because I am watched less and don’t feel that the voices can read my thoughts as much. I feel like I am getting behind though there is no official deadline or something to do my writing. I haven’t tried editing since last Saturday when I got overwhelmed. I can’t really think straight with the additional meds and have been getting agitated easily so I have been staying away from my book. I really thought editing would be easy but it is not. I gave myself a goal of publishing it by Oct 15th but now it is looking more like the end of Oct/early November. I really need to decide the order of my chapters but I need to wait till this psychotic episode passes. I got an email from my friend in Scotland who says he will be purchasing many copies so he and his family can read it. I know that I will be successful the first month or so and that is all that I am hoping for. I figure at least fifty or so copies will be sold. But I could be wrong. It could be more. But I don’t want to really count my chickens before they hatch. And I really don’t want to think about the implications of losing my disability if I am really successful. But I will worry about that when and if things come to that.

I still am depressed. I tried to be cheerful when I saw my psychiatrist but I just didn’t have it in me. I just felt flat. It hurt to really think what I wanted to say. I really wanted to give her the low down but feared I wouldn’t leave the office without an escort to the ER. Now I am kind of scared of what the weekend might hold for me if I can’t get on top of this. I know that if I go to the local psych ER I will get admitted, even if I just want to talk with someone. I have packed a bag just in case I go in. I just feel so uneasy. I am really shocked that my pdoc didn’t really encourage me going in the hospital, but then she usually leaves it up to me to make those kind of decisions.