Shouldn’t have gone out today

Shouldn’t have gone out today

Today is a CES day that I should have listened to my body instead I gave into my coffee needs. What does a CES day entail, well, when it involves the bowels, you stay home so you don’t shit yourself. And today was one of those days. I thought after going twice already I would be ok. Wouldn’t you know that the third time was the trick?? I was not even a block from my house when my bowels erupted. I was hoping to make it and I failed. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. It’s not every day that this happens. And it was more than just sharting (farting and shitting at the same time). I didn’t even fart, which to me was the worse of it. Then I could say that it was more than a fart but not this time. I soiled myself and I felt degraded like I do every time this happens. I was having a good day and now I just want to die from the humiliation I feel. Worse part is that I can’t even share this with anyone but myself and therapist and maybe my support group.

As I was in the bathroom, I decided I needed a shower. I had to. So I asked my mother to bring me a towel. She saw that I didn’t have underwear and figured I had messed myself as I was crapping my bowels out. She didn’t say anything. I don’t know if I was relieved or angry. But at least I didn’t have to explain myself. I think that horror would have really brought out the cutting urges. I stood longer in the shower than I probably should but didn’t care. I know my ankle is going to thank me later for this indiscretion.

I am listening to David Nail because that is what kind of mood I am in. He sings sad songs and it resonates with me. I need that kind of soothing that his voice brings. I think he is the only male artist that touches me this way.

I’m waiting to hear back from my therapist. Hope she calls soon.