In a somewhat elated mood today. My blog views reached 18,000 today. That means 18,000 people have read my blog since it started in July 2012. Thank you all for reading!!
I had therapy today, again. I see my therapist twice a week, sometimes more if I am having a hard time. I don’t know how we got to twice a week but it did. At one point I was seeing her four times a week. But that hasn’t happened in a long time and mostly happens when I am in the throws of a suicidal crisis. I don’t remember what we talked about even though it was several hours ago. We talked about yesterday’s blog that I wrote. I told her it was garbage but she disagreed. She said that it reminded her of the works of Janina Fisher, the consultant that I think is bogus. She has a weird sense of what trauma is and thinks the self is made up of different parts. That I can believe. But this Fisher character also believes that my voices are not real, that they are just a “part of self”. If that were truly the case, then why does medication make them go away?? My therapist really believes the bullshit this therapist portrays. At first I was accepting but then things got really hairy in the consult appointment with her. I got really mad and expressed it, calling her stuff bullshit in the process.
The point I remember my therapist was making was that she was agreeing with what I wrote about the weird feeling about not feeling suicidal 24/7. She thinks that it is normal for me to feel this way because I have been suicidal for so long and what I wrote made sense. I wish I felt the same but I don’t. I fear that like my depressions, it will come back with a fierce blow. And who is to say that when it does, I don’t act on it? I know this is why I see my therapist twice a week, just as a sort of maintenance and stabilization. Plus, I have been seeing her so long more than once a week that it is weird when I see her less than that. But I am in unknown territory right now. Don’t get me wrong, I feel good that I am not suicidal but it is weird not planning my death or thinking about killing myself all the time. And weirder still, I don’t know what changed to make this happen. I think it is because I have more confidence in myself than I have in the past. But I am still fearful that the bad thoughts will return.
I also think we talked about my father for a bit and his anger issues. I have to deal with him next week as I got the lovely task of taking him the doctor yet again. He isn’t sick, just needs to meet his doctor because he (doctor) moved to a different location. I am not looking forward to it. And because of it, I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist because of it.
My ankle started feeling hurtful yesterday in a different way. It hurt when I bared weight on it in a spot I normally don’t feel pain. I thought the feeling was gone but soon as I got to the bus stop today it flared up as the bus was arriving. I then decided to get my coffee and do a little food shopping. BIG MISTAKE! I am hurting big time now. I am really kicking myself for doing such a stupid thing. It really annoys me because I wanted to take a shower today and didn’t before going out. Now I am really stinky and need a shower but I don’t think I can stand long enough to get the job done. I have to wait to see if the pain meds calm it down. I will hopefully take one before going to bed tonight. I don’t remember the last time I showered but I know it has been more than a few days time. I hate that I have to keep track of when I shower because my memory sucks lately. It also stinks that because I don’t go out every day, I don’t usually shower on days I don’t go out. It’s just that the depression gets the better of me and I just say fuck it. It costs me too much energy to shower and I just figure why bother. No one notices or comments about my bathing habits but me. So even though I say I stink, my family doesn’t notice it or just doesn’t say anything.
I still am feeling the lower level depression as I was the beginning of last week. I don’t know when it will end. I think it will when I get more sleep. I woke up around six thirty again this morning. I think I need to go to bed later but it’s so hard because by eight, I am exhausted and take my meds to go to sleep. I try to stay up but I get so sleepy.
midnightdemons7 