I thought it would try this out again. I have been having a sucky day. I took a shower today and afterwards, I was exhausted. But I had therapy so I couldn’t take a nap. I slept till about nine after a crappy sleep. I didn’t wake up restful.
In therapy, my therapist read my blog and she was interested in my dreams. I knew this would happen and I didn’t feel like talking about it. So I avoided the subject again. We talked instead of all my dinner with my cousin and the depression that I’ve been feeling. She wanted to know more about my depression symptoms but they seem to have eluded me. It was like they were out of my grasp. It wasn’t like she put me on the spot or something of the sort. I just couldn’t remember what my symptoms were that I had written about in my blog. We talked about my death wishes briefly but that that make me feel any better. In fact, I had totally forgot what I had written about. I knew I had written about my cousin’s dinner, and about my dreams, but I forgot about the death wishes. The death wishes are mean wishing that I was dead and not seeing the future in my life. She asked if I could see anything in my future and I told her no. She brought up my book and that just gave me anxiety. I still haven’t heard from my editor and the longer I don’t hear from her, I feel more anxious.
We also talked about being transgender, which I didn’t like too much. She said that my book would be helpful for those with my issues but I don’t really see that as happening. I see my book as being a flounder. I don’t really think it’s going to sell at all. I think that I have too many issues in my book. When I have a mental illness, I have cauda equina syndrome, and I have the transgender issues. That’s a lot to write in a short book. But then, I have never been one to exaggerate. I don’t believe in hyperbole. I think it’s silly and dangerous. I really don’t know what people are going to think when they actually see me after reading my book. Are they going to think that I’m just a lesbian? Are they going to think that I’m faking it? I can’t hide what I feel. And I know that being in the body of a female is very distressing to me. I try not to show it usually but it’s there most of the time. I am not one to think of other people’s thoughts. Because frankly, I could care less. What other people think of their going to think and I have no control over that.
I have seen my therapist three times this week. It I still feel like I should talk to her one more time. I don’t know why that is. It’s not like I’m in crisis, I guess it’s just because I feel alone. Since having to deal with family issues, I have not had any time for myself. I stayed in my room but it’s not like I’ve gotten anything done. The only things that I have done, are my blogs. I haven’t gone to Starbucks today. I just can’t find the energy to get dressed, to check bus schedules, and then to leave the house. I then have to walk to the bus stop. And that seems like an awful lot of energy for one cup of coffee. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it in the rush that I get. I just really want to sleep. I father’s doctor will be calling me tonight and I’m really not looking forward to it. It’s not like things will be bad, I know it won’t. But it’s just a hassle of interfering with my rest that is bothering me. I just want to be left alone today and not have anything to do. I would like to finish my book but I don’t think that is in the works. I did however, find the fucking beeping fire alarm finally. It is the one to the entrance of the door and I can’t reach it because a) I am short and b) it’s above stairs. I have to wait until my brother-in-law gets home. So until then, my mother and I have to listen to the beep.
midnightdemons7 