a mixed day

I have had an emotional day. It started off crappy. Therapy sucked. I went out to get a mocha but there were no seats for me to sit at. So I decided to do an errand for my mother and as I was crossing the street, I got hit by a biker. My arm and shoulder are sore but I saved my mocha. I don’t know how it didn’t end up on the ground. But I think I scared the biker more than anything.

I came home to the mail and it got the sweetest letter by one of my CES support members. She sent me some extra money to ship out my book to prominent people. She think I can send it to Michelle Obama and I am going to try and send it. Worse that can happen is that it gets sent back to me. I think I should write a little note with it as to why I am sending it though. That might help! I might send one to Hillary Clinton because she was on the mental health awareness thing today. If she can endorse it, maybe CES and suicide attempts might get recognition. Big hopes there but you never know.

Then a family friend came over tonight and I talked about the book. I was pretty nervous. I never talked about the intimate details about the book in front of anyone before. Sure online, but that is different than face to face. I still am shaking inside because of anxiety. I have been having more of that lately than I care to admit to. It really stinks. She had no problem with me rambling on about what I was writing about and the formatting problems and the struggle with the editor. It was really good to talk about but I couldn’t help feel nervous about it. She is not a stranger to me. We have known each other for years as our mothers are best friends. I just don’t know why I felt so nervous other than being nervous. I never really talked about my book like I did tonight. And this book is like my baby. I told her there will be another book and she can’t wait for it. I told her it will be a little while. Let’s see how this book does!

So my mood has been all over the map today. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow from that biker. Luckily he didn’t get hurt either. I would have felt really bad if he did.

I have therapy tomorrow so I have some stuff to talk about. I think this is the first time all week that I had something to talk about that I am actually looking forward to talking about, if that makes sense. I still don’t want the session but it will cost me if I cancel it. I just don’t know why we got to meet twice a week. I hate it. Maybe I can get her to reduce our sessions. I just feel like meeting on back to back days is getting me into the funk of not wanting to talk. Then I feel like I am wasting her time and mine. Course, I just think I am a waste of time. Call it the imposter syndrome. If she really knew who I was, she wouldn’t want to do therapy with me. Sometimes I just feel like she is humoring me. That she could do so much more with her time if I wasn’t in her schedule. I just hate her and then when I do tell her, she laughs like it is a joke. I know I am being half serious but shouldn’t she take me seriously? Then, I will feel remorseful and “love” her. I feel like I am borderline with these extremes. I really don’t want to talk to her tomorrow. I know I had some good things happen today but this blog can explain everything to her, if she has the time to read it.