Self-Esteem Around Bodily Functions

I slept most of the day today. Which was kind of good as I no longer have the back pain I was experiencing. Today was the first time since Friday that I have no back pain. Maybe it was just a flare up with the temp and I am on the mend now. I am so relieved. But that still doesn’t explain the extra leak I had yesterday. I was hoping it was sweat but it didn’t smell like it. I hate when I pee my pants. But it’s a part of my life now. I really hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. I could wear diapers but that can be costly. I don’t leak that much, so I am grateful for that. But it still doesn’t help my self-esteem.

I had therapy today but I have no recollection of it. I really wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She was going off about how I should get one of my nieces or my nephew to help me move stuff so I can get my AC in my window. I had to call time out because I really had to go to the bathroom to do #2. She knows that when I have to go, I have to go. I felt really bad as we were in the middle of session but, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I didn’t want to crap myself. I apologized and she said it was okay but I still felt bad. I really felt horrible at having to put a pause to our conversation, even if it was crappy, just so I can relieve my bowels. I mean, I felt better physically wise, with the relief, but I felt terrible psychological wise. And I don’t know why that is. When you have to go, you have to go. But with me it’s a little different. Most people can hold their bowels. I don’t know how because it has been so long for me. I just know that if I didn’t stop our conversation when I did, there would have been an accident in my bedroom floor. And I think that would have made me feel worse than stopping our conversation.

While I was doing my business, she read one of the blogs I sent her. I told her it was how I felt. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy. Weird that the last dream I had, had to do with being suicidal. I was getting my pills to do me in and for some reason they wouldn’t fill it and it made me panicky. I was like oh shit. It was a really strange dream because in it, I was hospitalized for being suicidal! I guess being in the hospital has been on my brain a little more than it should be. I would like to be in, just to get a little routine going and someone to make sure I take my meds at the right time and stuff. But it also means suicide is on my mind a little more than I thought it would be. Funny how your dreams always tell you how things are when you are not thinking of it.

My pain is still there in my ankle. That is one pain that never goes away. Even while I was going through back pain, I still had my ankle pain. I told my therapist today that I am tired of being in pain all the time. I don’t think that went through her head. I don’t think she is getting me. And that is pissing me off. I just feel like I am crying wolf again. I say that I am suicidal, and everyone hears me. Then when I am really suicidal and in pain, no one hears me. It’s like they get so used to me telling them I am suicidal they don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like “okay, you are suicidal”, just like when I say “I am depressed”. I am not expecting people to jump. I just wish they would listen to me a little more is all.

It’s after 0230. I woke up several hours ago and can’t go back to sleep. I just took my meds and my pain pills so hopefully, I will fall back to sleep soon.

I really feel down. And I don’t know what to do about it. Therapy isn’t helping. Meds aren’t helping. Why should I go on? There is no purpose in my life. I thought my book would be a good seller and I would be able to live off it a little bit better than I am now, but that was not the case. I still have not sold one book in the month of June. And all I keep thinking about is the taxes that I owe. I still have not received my payment from Kindle. I am hoping that will be sometime this month.

I guess my aunt that desperately wanted to talk to me, doesn’t. I have messaged her a few times and gotten no response. I know she is on Facebook. Just pisses me off. She has my number so why doesn’t she call me if it was that important? Just the way my family is. Hurry up and wait. One of my other aunts thinks that I am going to write a book about her family. She is nuts if she thinks I am going to work with her. Oh and the other big thing is that she doesn’t expect any money, just a little. PPPFFFTTTT. Not going to happen. There is too much one sided thinking with her and the truth will not come out about how the family really is. She will write it like we are all good citizens and such when really they are nothing but greedy assholes. I can go into more detail but I won’t as I don’t know who reads my blog. But that is the gist of it. And I refuse to contribute to the lies.

I think the “high” or upbeat feeling that I was feeling with the Cymbalta is coming to an end. I am starting to feel really down. But the good news is that I am not seeing my therapist today. My first Tuesday off from her. I wish we could meet in the evenings where I am a little bit more coherent but whatever. It sucks meeting in the morning. My thoughts are really together sometimes and I don’t remember half of what we talk about. Sometimes I am in good space and I remember, but most times I don’t. Therapy is so hard.

I need to buy tank tops for the summer. I only have two kinds and though I am fond of one, I can’t go outside with the other. My fricken boobs hang out too much. So I just wear them around the house. If I do have to go out, I will wear a t-shirt. I don’t have a sports bra. I haven’t worn a bra in years. I don’t even know my size anymore. And it doesn’t matter because I won’t buy them. I just don’t care to.