feeling distraught and confused

I’m a little distraught today. Today is my BFFL’s birthday. He called and told me thank you after I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He then told me some stiffening news. His ex-fiance died in a car crash last week. I remember hearing about it on Twitter as I get the State police tweets. I just felt really bad because in my mind, I had “ruled” it a suicide because it was a single fatal crash. Turns out she had a seizure while driving and crashed into a tree, causing her car to explode. Not a good way to die. She was only 33 years old. I feel for her family.

I didn’t know her that well. We didn’t know each other at all, only through my BFFL. I met her a few times while they were together. She didn’t like me because she was a jealous type and thought I was going to steal him away from her. I kept telling my BFFL to say that I was gay and that would end any animosity but he wouldn’t. I guess he liked having a jealous girlfriend. She worked for the Mass Pike Authority so the last time I saw her was at a toll booth. I didn’t and she didn’t realize who we were until after we left. It was one of those do I know you but hurry up and leave type of situations. I can’t be spending all day at a toll booth. The cars behind me wouldn’t like it! I just feel really sad about the way she died.

I tried walking today, despite being in pain. It was horrible. By the time I was half way home, my ankle felt like someone was ripping it apart. I came home, got back into my pjs, took some nerve pain pills, one pain pill, and now I am writing my blog. I am not doing anything else today and hope to God today isn’t a crap day. I have nerve pain in my butt so bad I can hardly sit as I am typing this. I know I should be working on my editing my book. But I am in too much pain and soon will be in lala land. Besides, if I work on it today, I won’t be able to work on anything the rest of this week.

I have decided that half of my cash funds are going to Starbucks. I HAVE to be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks or I will just go insane in the house. My mother is now playing Yatzee, a dice game, instead of watching TV. It is so very annoying!! I rather hear the speakers of the TV than the roll of the die. She plays by herself, just to keep herself occupied. It is driving me crazy so I need to get out of the damn house.

In addition to seeing my therapist this week, I am seeing my pdoc. My pdoc sent me an email asking to come in for an earlier time. I asked again if she wanted me to come in early but I haven’t heard back from her. I think she got confused when she sent me the email but now I am confused. It’s a later time than I usually see her, which isn’t a problem, because I have nothing better to do. But I like to occupy my time accordingly. If she wants me to come in earlier, I would like to know.

I haven’t worked on the TG piece that I wrote a couple of days ago. I am going to wait until my therapist has a chance to read it before I work on it some more. I really want to re-write it, just write about how I came out to myself and where I am today with it all. I bought a reward for writing it. I felt like I should be rewarded for writing such an emotional piece. My BFFL doesn’t know I want to be a male. I think he will flip out or I might lose the relationship if he ever were to find out.

The editor for the AAS has given me a month to work on this piece. But I have so much time on my hands that I can’t possibly sit on it for that length of time. But I suppose I can alternate between my second book writings and the TG piece. I know the TG piece is going to be a huge part of therapy sessions in the upcoming weeks.