Don’t dream it’s over

Don’t dream it’s over

I heard this song today and am reminded that despite a long road to recovery, I am still stuck with the condition known as Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). Today I talked a lot about it in my interview with the 1st years of medical school. There were like 5 or 6 students and three physicians in the room, one of whom was the person that interviewed me. He knew nothing about CES as he didn’t ask me one red flag symptom. He was an older gentleman so I am sure that he never heard of such a syndrome before. My psychiatrist was grateful I brought it to the students. She said she owes me one. But I don’t really know what that means. I just laughed because it was fun doing the interview.

My therapist read the last blog post that I sent her. She said that I summed up my traumatic experiences all in one paragraph. This left me feeling like “what is she talking about” so I had to read it. I always feel like my writing is cathartic so once the words are in a word doc or a piece of paper, they quickly lose their power in my memory banks. The paragraph was powerful and I couldn’t believe I wrote what I did. It made me wonder if I am ready to face the trauma I have endured over my lifetime, just one piece of it anyways. It is something that I have not discussed in great detail, not even with my therapist. But there is a song that keeps reminding me of what I went through and so it is on my mind a little more these days.

I have a beef with my doctor’s office. I saw my PCP’s Nurse Practitioner (NP) for a blood pressure check. My blood pressure is still in prehypertensive range. Not good. So instead of playing with the new blood pressure med I am on, she decides to add another medication. WTF. She was almost a half hour late so I couldn’t argue as I had to meet with my psychiatrist, and even my psych was like why am I being put on a third medication for the same condition?? I emailed my doc’s office to sort this out. I am not going to take it because it also acts as a diuretic, something I don’t need to be on. I already have issues with my bladder leaking and me being on something that is supposed to make the kidneys work better just isn’t going to fly with me. I also said that in the email, about the leaking piece, not about it not flying with me. I have enough problems and don’t really want to start wearing pads or diapers. So far I have been lucky to avoid them, but I think on days that I am going to be out more than a few hours, I might have to consider wearing them. I would use pads but they just don’t fit in boxers. I really feel bad for men who have to use tighty whities for pads. Least that is what I think they would have to wear. But I hate them as much as some men do.

I was talking to a friend today about a CES issue. She didn’t reassure me and said that I should talk to my neurologist about it. I haven’t seen her in over a year. And this issue I rather not be apart of my medical record. So now I am conflicted on what to do. I don’t even know if going to my neuro will help me with the issue. Course the easy thing is to stop doing what I am doing to cause the issue and problem solved! But I don’t know if I am having more nerve damage or not by ignoring the issue. What worries me is that I have a disc that is touching the nerve root of my issue. It isn’t compressing the nerve root so no one thinks I should have surgery. Although I am not advocating for more surgery as I most likely will need a fusion, I think that might be why I am having my issue. Either that or my nerves have suddenly have become awakened and now I just got to deal with them. Either way, it doesn’t look promising to me and it is an especially embarrassing topic for me. If I do see my neuro, at least I won’t have to mail her my book. I could just hand it to her!

The thing about my neuro is that she is great and all but her office staff sucks like yesterday’s garbage. Making an appointment is always a hassle, getting through to the office is always a hassle and then if I don’t have the copay, they cancel my appointment. Last time, they told me the wrong day of my appointment and I got charged for it. I have not paid it because they screwed up, not me. If they didn’t change the original appointment to begin with, none of this would have happened.
It has been a month now that I have been on an antidepressant. Since that time, my suicidality has decreased dramatically. I might not be euphoric, but I am doing okay. I don’t have mood swings like I used to. My sleep is still wonky but it’s better than it has been. The only sucky thing is that no matter what time I go to bed, I am always up before six. And on days like today where I had to be all over the hospital between my two appointments, it sucks. Even though I worked there for fourteen years, I goofed and made a wrong turn, thinking it would take me to the building I needed to go. NOPE. No access from the 2nd floor. It sucked because I then had to walk back to where I came from to go outside to get to the building I needed to be in. Lot of walking today. And my ankle is thanking me, oh so kindly. NOT.