It’s 0230
I woke up around 0230 and I can’t seem to get back to sleep. So I decided to write for a little while.
I made it through the night not drinking. I am really tired but I can’t seem to sleep. Avoiding alcohol was huge tonight. Though I think that if I did drink, I would still be sleeping. Oh well.
My ankle is hurting me so I have taken some pain pills. One more day before I see the new doc about this. I am not too hopeful he is going to find anything wrong with my ankle. But I am scared that I will be placed in a boot. Just in case, I am bringing my old one with me. You never know what he will do. I partly hope that he orders another MRI to see what is going on with my ankle, to make sure nothing has changed since the last one. I know I won’t be having an injection and I will make that clear. I just don’t believe in them and they only work 50% of the time so why chance it. I don’t like those odds. I rather be on oral steroids than have an injection. And I will bring that up to him as well. A friend of mine was telling me that I could have adhesions in the ankle after all this time. I don’t like that idea either. But we’ll see what this doc says. I just hope that it hurts enough when I see him otherwise, I am seeing him for not. I don’t want to be in excruciating pain, but just enough for him to see what I am going through. I have a “rest day” today though with me being up this early, I am not sure how much I will be resting. Sometimes I sleep a few hours and then I am up and others I am sleeping till noon.
I don’t have new answers for the doc. Just the same, single question, “what is wrong with it”? Three years this has been going on and three years, no one can give me a direct answer. If it was a case of tendonitis, I have done everything to make the swelling go down and yet soon as I move it, it flares up again. I can’t be immobile. I also can’t run the risk of wearing a boot around the house for fear of falling down the stairs. Even without the boot, I run the risk of falling because I don’t know where my feet are. There have been a couple of time in the last few weeks where I missed a step or over shot a step and nearly toppled over. If I wasn’t hanging on to the banister, I surely would have fallen. That is the problem with CES, not knowing where your feet are. I am usually good about where they are but when I am tired or when I just wake up and need to go to the bathroom, that “sense” or mindfulness is not always there. My bladder and holding the contents in seem to take priority. Oh the joys of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. It messes with your proprioception (where things are in space relation) of things. I have this for a long time. It hasn’t gotten better. I just compensate for it really well. But throw in fatigue and that compensation is out the window.
Having a huge boot on my foot won’t help the proprioception much. It will actually make things worse because I won’t be able to feel my foot. Hence why I do not want another boot. I hope I am getting ahead of myself. Thinking of all the possibilities that he could do. I could be placed in a cast. I have before to be kept immobile. I am not working so that doesn’t see like a big deal. When I was working it was a big deal because I had to get around the place. My boss yelled at me because I had to call out but then I showed him the big brace I was wearing and that quieted him down some. I understand that you don’t want your best employees to call out, but when they can’t walk around the lab, they are pretty much useless, especially when a doctor tells you to stay off your foot for twenty-four hours.
All these things can happen. Or nothing at all. Less than 24 hours to find out what the verdict will be. And hopefully, my anxiety will be less.
midnightdemons7 