I started writing this blog in the early morning hours but then I fell asleep and deleted what I wrote. Again, I am in pain from my back. I tried massaging the area and that caused me more pain so I know that it is muscular in nature, which is good. I just have to ease these muscles so they don’t tense up on me. I planned on calling my physiatrist to get his input on whether increasing the baclofen will be beneficial or not. Otherwise, I am stuck taking Ativan to calm down the spasms. I cannot be upright, standing, for more than 5 minutes without intense spasms in my back. It’s hard to walk or do anything with this intensity. I have to be better by Friday because I will be carting my father around the hospital for his surgery date. That will be hard to do with a bad back!
I texted my therapist because I was/am having a hard time with all of this. I am not suicidal but staying cooped up is driving me crazy. And I have to go to Walgreens to pick up my BP med. That is one of the last medications I needed refilled. Now I just got to save my money until I run out of the pink pill so I can waste $25 on that. I tried this new prescription service. You pay $14/month and they have your meds on a tier that is HIGHER than what I am currently paying. My pink pill costs $172 for a 30 day supply. There is no way I can afford that with my disability. That is like paying for everything and still have nothing to show for it.
The thing with McAfee has been resolved, thank god. My money was restored to me, in full, today. I am glad I didn’t have to wait 5 business days. I would have been stressed out and worried about fees and such. But I think I am okay right now.
I hope my therapist doesn’t give me a lecture about my back like everybody seems to be doing. They all think I should go to the doctor but the docs aren’t really going to do anything for me because it is all muscle pain. I am not having urinary or bowel problems. I don’t have weakness in my legs. I don’t have new numbness anywhere in the saddle area. I am “good”. I just have to give the muscles some time to heal and I will be fine. Unfortunately, this takes a long time and it is already driving me crazy because I want to go out and write but I can’t walk from here to there without spasms. It’s annoying me! I hate being incapacitated.
My writing friend wrote me an email today with the subject line “Our birthday month”. I could care less. I hate this month with a passion and I really don’t like my birthday. I rather be under a rock than celebrate it. It just depresses me. And what is the point of getting a year older? I never wanted to be older. I wanted to die young and that was thwarted. So now I am a cranky, old bastard. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my chance of killing myself one day, and sadly, that keeps me going. Because if I didn’t have that, I think I would kill myself right now, somehow, someway.
midnightdemons7 