Mine Would Be You

Mine Would Be You

Listening to this song and thought it would be the title of this blog, for no reason other than Blake Shelton sings it.

I did my errands today and had therapy. We discussed the article that pissed me off last night (see previous blog for rant). She couldn’t believe the terms they had come with. She is anxious to read the paper on it. So I either will have to write it this weekend or sometime next week. Next week will be kind of difficult as I have appointments the beginning of the week. I would like to get it done tomorrow and then type it up at my leisure.

During therapy, I got the serious need for a nap. I could barely stay awake. After therapy, I lasted about an hour and then succumbed to a little rest period for about an hour. I wanted to sleep but I just couldn’t. Thoughts of what we talked about were swirling around my head. I told her about the mini flashback I had yesterday afternoon after I had written my blog for the day. Just writing about my experience cause some PTSD to happen. It wasn’t pleasant. But luckily my niece wanted to watch TV with me so it provided the distraction I needed. I told her that writing about my experiences when younger was going to be problematic and now she understood. I hope she doesn’t want me to pursue that line of writing again.

We talked about my upcoming birthday and how I am dreading it very much. I honestly don’t want to live to be that age. She doesn’t want me to kill myself like I would like to. I just feel like a loser because I thought I would have a career by now that I would enjoy. I thought I would also have my degree in something and I would be satisfied with that, even if that meant working in the lab the rest of my life. Nope, I had a breakdown in 2008 and have been scared to go back to college. I am scared because I really don’t want a psychotic break like I had. I ignored the psychosis so I could get things done for almost nine months. By the time the fall semester rolled around, I was in some deep psychosis that 4 mg of trilafon couldn’t handle. I forget what I was taking at the time or if it was the third hospitalization that abilify was introduced to combat the delusions and voices I was experiencing. I just know that what I was taking was not working and I was close to being put on clozapine to handle the psychosis. Stress at work and school were just too much. 2008 was a big year in my life. It was the first time that I had presented a poster at the American Association of Suicidology. I went to Barcelona, Spain with my research work group for a few days. It was so great to get that opportunity. So I couldn’t be taking drugs that affected my cognition. It was a surreal year. Unfortunately, it caused me considerable distress. It took a very long time, almost a year to get stabilized. Now I can’t go without those meds at all. I have tried to get off them but soon as I am off for a few weeks, the delusion and paranoia start up again.

Thank goodness my therapist didn’t want me to write to her while she was away this time. She said that she will be reading the material I sent her while she is gone. I was hoping she would have read the letter I sent her last week but she didn’t. I have a feeling the questions I asked her in that letter are going to remain unanswered.