I am in a little less pain today than I was last night. This could change as the night progresses. I have been up and down the stairs today, not a lot but enough to possibly set off my ankle. There is supposed to be rain today but it’s partly cloudy and very humid out. I am glad I didn’t take my AC out last week when it was cool. We always have an Indian summer and the weather stays fair until November. I usually don’t have the AC going in October but it usually stays in until I can clear a path for my brother in law to take it out.
I had therapy today and we talked about my anxiety coming up with my anniversary. She said that it is creating a something to do with PTSD. I forget the word she used. Half way through session, I wanted to stop talking. I just didn’t want to talk anymore about anything. She kept on asking about Hyde and my suicidality, the depression, and about my pain. We talked about that for a bit as pain has really brought me down. I just feel useless because if I do anything, it brings me pain. If I don’t do anything, it brings me pain. How can I win at this game? How am I supposed to live? I am so tired of living with the depression and being in chronic physical pain. I don’t think she gets it. And I am too tired to try and make her understand. I know dealing with chronic pain isn’t her thing and she has had to learn off the fly what it’s like, but sometimes I just want her to listen and not say anything when I complain about being in pain. She can’t do anything for me but be there and that is all I am asking her to do. I’m the one stuck with this bullshit not her. Only thing I can do is fucking text her in the middle of the night because the pain is driving me crazy. Used to be that I texted her my darkness. Now I just want to die because I can’t stand the pain anymore, and everything that goes with it.
She asked about my writing and I cringed. I told her I am just blogging right now. I can’t seem to get my head in gear to do anything else. I am just tired of trying to write something and coming up empty. I have been trying to add on to Haylor but no can do. And it bugs me because the words are there but I can’t get them out. It is so frustrating.
I haven’t done anything today. I wanted to go to the liquor store to get some wine but haven’t the inkling to get dressed and go. I just want to stay in my room, with the AC, and keep my foot up. I slept after my therapy appointment. So much for the coffee keeping me up. I had the Brazil Sertraozinho today. It was very good. Today is National Coffee day. My aunt told me that Dunkins was giving out free coffee today. I’ll stick with my good stuff, thank you. They are only good for donuts, least to me anyway. I really want some Chinese food, the good greasy kind. It’s too bad my favorite place closed down. Now I have limited to no options. There is one place I get General Gau from but that is the only thing good there. Their fried rice isn’t so great and their Lo Mein sucks. Maybe I will get some on Thursday when I have to head into town. I’ll go to the train station and get it there. It’s pretty good and cheap.
midnightdemons7 