Hot cold, cold hot
For the past two days, I have been either freezing cold or burning hot. I am not running a fever. I will wear layers and then get too hot and have to remove them only to be cold a few minutes later. I only got a few hours sleep so I know I am going to be cold today. I always am when I run on no sleep. I don’t know how I have been surviving on so little sleep lately. This is the second Saturday that I have been up most of the night. Last week, I didn’t go to sleep till 0600. Last night, I didn’t go to sleep till around 0500. I read, I wrote, I listened to music but nothing was making the meds work. I was very tired but I was too restless to go to sleep. I even put on my whisperer to drown out the quietness of my room because the fan wasn’t on. I haven’t turned the fan on today because I haven’t been burning up. I just have been really cold. The temp has dropped ten degrees so that is good. And it gets colder at night, too. My mother has been stingy with the heat, not that I mind in my current state. I thought it had to do with menopause but I emailed my psych and she told me to take my temperature. I got so aggravated. She said she will keep an eye on it. So in the mean time, I am oscillating between being really warm to freezing cold.
I have been trying to stay up and not take a nap, hoping that I fucking sleep through the night. I have to get up early tomorrow to see my psych. I have to be out of the house by the latest 0815. Football game was early this afternoon so nothing should keep me up. Last night there were two football games I was keeping track of, the Nebraska and OSU games. Both had awesome finishes, though I really wish I watched the end of the Nebraska game. They came back to win it all. It was awesome. I did watch OSU get their last touchdown to clinch the win. Cardale Jones was very good last night.
I have been texting my therapist stupid shit just because I can. I don’t get a response so it’s like tweeting. I wrote her a letter last night that I need to print out and send her. I was going to blog it but it’s too personal. I don’t remember what I wrote. I know I included the quotes from the last two nights. It was easier than sending her the link to the blog.
Went to BPD chat tonight, even though the topic I wasn’t comfortable with. It was talking about shame. There are lots of things I feel ashamed about. It struck a nerve for me. I didn’t give specific details because I really didn’t want to get into my disability but I could definitely relate to most of what they were talking about. One of the things is body image. I don’t know if I have the body image disorder or if the TG stuff is making it difficult for me to “like” my body. I really hate myself, all of me. There is not one thing I like, except for maybe my hair because I have control over it. I can cut it short, grow it long, style it the way I want, etc. I can’t do that with the things on my chest. I hate them with a passion. But I feel so self-conscious about them because they are there. There is nothing I can do about them, least not yet. But it still makes me hate my body because I can’t stand it. And then being overweight and always being called fat by my father nearly every day of my life doesn’t help.
I woke up from a nap and will be hopefully go back to sleep soon as I just took my night meds. It felt good to have like a 4 hour nap but now I am awake, cold but awake. I woke up hotter than hell but now I am cold again. Something is wrong with me. But I have no fever so that is good. I don’t see my doc this month. I see him next. I think something is going on with my thyroid. It would explain so much. But knowing me, nothing is ever that easy. And I can’t believe my stupid doc didn’t order thyroid testing for my annual. When I see my psych tomorrow, I am going to ask her to order it. Three days of this is enough!