Slow Wednesday

Slow Wednesday

I have been moving at slow speed most of the day. I have no energy to do anything. I woke up early, around 0630, had breakfast, and then was able to get back to sleep. I woke up when I heard my mother leave the house. I made a couple of phone calls that needed to be made and then went back to sleep. I have no appetite for lunch. I did have a couple of cookies. I had bought some Cinnamon Bon Bon Oreos. They were good but the frosting inside was way too sweet for my taste. I like eating the cookie more than the filling anyways. If Oreo just sold their cookies part, I would be in heaven. I really want to go get a roast beef sandwich but I have no energy, least not to what it will take to get there and come back home.

I think my father cranked called me. I received a call from a restricted number and all I heard was a commercial. I hung up and the bastard didn’t call back. I wasn’t going to call him because why should I? He is being a dick right now and I have no time for that.

I finally was able to take a shower but it wore me out faster than anything. I just want to go back to sleep. I had no therapy today because of my asshole father. I had canceled the appointment because I thought we would be going to his doctor’s appointment. Now I don’t have therapy until next week. I am tempted to cancel just because but I won’t. Seeing as things have been the past few months, I think she will honor the cancellation rather than fight me on it.

I am feeling really depressed. I really miss my psychiatrist. It’s been two months since I last saw her. I don’t know when she will be back in the office and I don’t think she does either. I hope it’s sometime this month. I still have not received a response from the three emails I sent her. I was hoping to hear back from her by now but I guess not.

My appetite has been coming back in stints. I am getting hungry now so I think I will make a black bean burger. Or maybe some pizza. I don’t know what I will make. It’s so difficult when you feel hungry and are too depressed to make a decision. The black bean burger took less time than the pizza so I decided to have that. Now my mouth is on fire from the chipotle. I really love these burgers. They cost a lot for four patties, though. I will get them again. They aren’t as big as the ones my sister got from work, but they are filling.

I got my suicide legal book yesterday. I thought it was the first edition but it’s actually the second so it’s more up-to-date. I haven’t read it yet but I did read the table of contents. It has a “anti-suicide” contract section. I am cringing. I hope it’s not the same as a “No harm” contract. Those don’t work. Right now, I can’t string together words so it will have to wait until I am a little clear headed to read it. It’s a heavy book even though it’s less than 300 pages. But then, it is a hard cover. I might write a review if I do read it.

I was going to read a little bit, but I am too tired. That shower really took whatever energy I had and made me mush. My thoughts are so slow. If they were any faster, it might start a fire. I feel like I am walking in mud whenever I go up or down the stairs. I just am not myself. And the sad part is that no one cares. The people that should care, my medical team or what is left of it, is gone. It’s an unsettling feeling. I know, you, my blog readers care. And that does count. It’s just I wish my PCP would call me like he used to, to check on me. That level of caring is long gone. And I don’t think it’s ever coming back.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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