random 199

I had a long tiring day. I didn’t sleep well again. I went to bed around midnight only to wake up five hours later. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I have been up all day. I tried to take a nap after my therapist’s appt but my phone kept going off. I had to keep it on in case the hospital called or my sister did with an update on my father. He was supposed to go for a test today but it got cancelled at the end of the day. He is up first thing tomorrow morning, supposedly. I hope no more emergent cases come up.

My therapy appointment went ok. We talked about how tired I was and she read the latest blog I sent her about cement shoes. She really liked it. She wish I had this creativity without the depression though. You can’t really have one or the other. I have to have the depression to write these things. I toldher I might see her tomorrow and she said it was okay if I didn’t see her. She is worried that my exhaustion level might be too much for the 30 mile drive to her office. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I won’t be stopping by the hospital if I do go. It will be too much for me.

We recapped what my psychiatrist had said to me just as I was ready to leave her office. She said that if the Zoloft doesn’t work out, I can stop it or if I want to stop it I can. She is okay with it. I told my therapist I wasn’t expecting to be on a 50 mg dose. I thought my psych would just give me 25 mg and be done with it. Guess she has other plans for me. My psych also said we can go up to 100 mg if I tolerate it. I was overwhelmed with that idea. I just wanted to be on 25 mg. I started the 50 mg dose last night. I still have no change in my mood and my hopelessness is increasing. I have been on it for almost a week now. I have no side effects so far.

We kept the conversation away from my father. I didn’t want to talk about him at all. Other than giving her an update on where he was at, that was the bulk of the one minute conversation about him. The rest of the session we just talked about how crappy I felt. I swear at one point I was ready to fall asleep. I was just so tired. I have spent that last three days at the hospital. Tomorrow is my break. My ankle just can’t handle another day of traveling. Maybe I will go to my therapist’s office next week. I will just order my groceries tomorrow. I also need to pick up my prescriptions. I hope I don’t have a pain filled night again. Last night was awful.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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