Made a mistake
Well, I took a nap. Now I am awake. I am just glad I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow. I do have to be up by 1100, 12 hours from now. What a mistake I made.
I have been thinking about my father. My sister made some pictures that my cousin gave us to look at. Most of them are pictures with my mother and him. One was taken before I was born so they were either dating or just married. I want to go through them again but the pictures make me sad. Tomorrow marks two weeks since he passed. Yet it feels like yesterday. I still don’t feel anything but sadness. I think I am going to call the social worker sometime tomorrow and talk with her about my feelings about grief. I just feel like I am going nuts with the loss of my father and it is something I wasn’t expecting. One day I will write about the day my father died but not tonight. It’s weird not getting phone calls anymore about his decline.
I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter. Her new CD is full of grief and sadness. It brings me low yet also brings me comfort. I love her voice. The name of the song that I really like is called “map of my heart”. I need to make a copy of the CD for a couple of friends. I hope they like it as much as I do.
I think I am going to go into the hospital sometime this week. I really feel like I need support and I am struggling with my depression like I have never felt before. I know I can go up on the Zoloft, but I really don’t want to. I am too afraid that it will make me sick. I seem to be coping with 50 mg just fine, but I am still depressed. I am also at times suicidal. I don’t think I will be in too long. Maybe a week or less.