After supper, I was really sleepy so I took a nap. A four hour nap. Now I am so restless that I can’t sleep, even though I am tired as all hell. I started watching the movie “Lincoln” and was dozing off so I thought I would fall asleep. Yea, right. Soon as I laid down, I woke up. I hate when that happens.

My sister tried to reconcile what she had said. I don’t know if she was responding to the blog I wrote or the Facebook message that I was pissed off. She offered to help clean my room as “having a clean rug will make me feel better”. Yea, that will solve my problems. A clean rug. Hold the phone. I need to call my therapist and psychiatrist and tell them all I needed was a clean rug and boom, my bipolar disorder and other illness would be cured. Idiot. I can barely stand the smell of the clean rugs downstairs which means if I do manage to clean my room (not happening but I can dream), I would be stuck with the smell of the chemicals for at least a week, which means I wouldn’t be able to live in my room like I do. It’s getting colder and I would have to keep the window open to air out the room. It’s nice that my sister wants to do this but it’s just not going to happen.

I am hoping my check comes in tomorrow, but lately it’s been coming in on a Tuesday so we’ll see. I will know in about four hours. I hope I am not up because that will suck. My foot has been bordering on severe pain so I might have to take a strong pain pill as the regular pills just aren’t covering me. I really hate taking the strong pain pill because I get high and dopey before I pass out. I hate feeling that way. I also don’t want to become tolerant to this medication so I rather take it as infrequently as possible. I know my psychiatrist wants me to take it when my pain exceeds my tolerance but I have the right to reserve to take it. I rather wait for the regular pain pills to work and then take the stronger pain pill if that doesn’t happen.

I don’t know why, but I feel like I am going to be in “trouble” when I see my NP in two weeks. I know I haven’t done anything wrong but it feels like I have. I can’t explain it. I know my childhood fears are going on. Why, I have no clue. I really miss my last PCP. He got my depression and was willing to work with me on my pain to help ease it. I haven’t had that consistency since he left. If I told him I was suicidal because of my pain, I know he would do something to help me manage it better. I guess I am just tired of fighting to get what I want because these drugs have come under fire lately and I feel that if I push my providers, I might not get anything. That is my biggest fear, that my providers will stop prescribing and then I will be screwed.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might try and go vote early even though it will be a pain in the ass. I might do it Tuesday when I have the car so it won’t be such a pain. Least, I am hoping I have the car to see my therapist. It all depends on if my check comes in and my car is available.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

2 thoughts on “Restless”

  1. yeah, it is ridiculous that she thinks that. I think she just wants me to clean my room, which is hard to do because I have no place to put my stuff. I have some room in my closet but I have to move the stuff that is in front of it to get to it. Think I am going to bake today, LOL

  2. I’m sitting here going wtf at your sister. lmao. is she nuts? a clean rug is going to fix it all, ok then. brilliant. seriously though, I think that shows her level of discomfort. and i’m sorry. xoxo

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