having a bad day

Been having a bad day full of PTSD symptoms. I keep thinking about the last two hours of my father’s life and how much I miss him. He has been on my mind all day. I so want to call him to check in on him but he is no longer here or there. It’s been difficult to process. I have been trying to write about it but it only starts the movie playing in my head again. It starts with the ambulance ride and ends with his death. Then it starts all over again.

I have been trying not to think about it, to distract, to do some grounding but nothing has been helping today. Even though I am on a psych unit, I feel completely helpless. I took a PRN to calm down as it was giving me anxiety. I haven’t slept and should take a nap but I fear that I will be sleepy by 2100 and then I will wake up again at 0400 or earlier.

I told them my plan that has been cooking in my brain. I am still being discharged tomorrow. I don’t know why I told them. My psychiatrist here is very nice and easy going. It was not that hard to get the plan out of my head with him. I am so tired of fighting the demons. I want to give in. But I think of my family and the loss they just went through and I can’t allow them to go through my loss. It is one thing that keeps me going.

My outside psychiatrist finally emailed me with an appointment. I see her on Monday. I am glad because I was getting worried that I wasn’t going to be able to see her for a while. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wanted to see her so I kind of planned my own discharge. I am not any “better” but I am more stable than what I have been. I know that I can

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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