Blustery Sunday

The wind has been howling all day and doesn’t look like it’s going to stop. It’s nice because it’s cool out. My room is no longer 100 degrees and I have a long sleeve t-shirt on.

I feel blah. I woke up again at 0300. I had to pee but was able to get back to sleep afterwards. I didn’t sleep restfully as I felt I was waking up every hour. Then I felt sick. I think it was because of a migraine. If I wake up feeling nauseous tomorrow it might be because of the zoloft. I might have gone up a little too quickly.

What really sucks is I want to brush my teeth but I am afraid I will vomit. I’m waiting for my stomach to settle down.

I’m very sleepy from taking my morning meds. I think I got to stop the ativan as it’s just knocking me out. I hate taking the meds as I don’t take it in the morning like they prescribed. My psych just wrote it that way so I would have it for prns.

Last night I had a hard time. I was trying to work on my essay of the last two hours of my father’s life and I got wicked upset. The “movie” started playing and I couldn’t stop it. I remember giving him his last dose of medication and then he died soon after. It still feels surreal. I don’t know how to get through this. No one prepares you for losing a parent. When I think of all that my sisters and I have gone through the last few months, it’s tough. He didn’t die alone. He died in his bed and not some nursing home. I keep replaying all that stuff in my head. But the last two hours have stuck with me more than the months previous.

Once I finish writing the story (it’s on a notepad), I will type it up. I might publish it on my blog. I’m not sure. I know it might be password protected so my therapist and psych can read it. I just wish I could plow through and write it even though it’s difficult.

I hope to be discharged Tuesday. That might not happen. I will be upset if it doesn’t. If I didn’t have my stupid pain management appt Friday, I would stay longer.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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