don’t know if I should write anymore

Don’t know if I should write anymore

I have been contemplating writing today. It’s been a difficult day. I again had pain and I think because I have been rationing my pain medication, I have been going through withdrawal. That hasn’t been pleasant. But there is nothing I can do about it until Friday. I feel like all I do is talk about my pain and also that it is boring you guys.

I didn’t go out today because I wanted to rest my ankle. Friday will be a long day because I have two appointments. I want to prepare myself for it as much as I can. I am not hopeful that the NP appointment will go well. If anything, I will get my usual amount of meds and hopefully a refill for the strong pain pill but nothing else will change. And I will be pissed off because I will feel unheard. If the NP gets freaked out and refuses to give me my meds because she is worried, I will end things sooner than planned.

I was talking with my therapist today about this. I told her somethings and it made her worry. She wants me to text her after the appointment with the NP to see how it goes. I told her I have no intention to do so. I feel things aren’t going to matter, which is why I didn’t want to write today. Nothing matters to me anymore. I am tired of fighting pain. I give up.

I took a shower today and made coffee. I was really tired after all the Neurontin I took last night. I plan on taking the same dose tonight. It helps me sleep some. I woke up this morning without the sock I had worn to bed. It’s hiding somewhere under the covers because it’s not on the floor. When I told my therapist this, she laughed and said I was such a guy.

I might write tomorrow, which could be my last blog. Depends on how I feel. Just feeling really down right now and not sure what to do about it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to don’t know if I should write anymore

  1. If you’re in withdrawal, the thing to do is exactly nothing. Don’t listen to your brain, don’t base any plans on how you feel right now, because you’re not yourself when you’re experiencing drug side effects and/or withdrawal. I always have to remind myself of that because like you, I get to feeling hopeless, but then once drug levels have equilibrated, I realize it was because my brain was awash in chemicals. Especially if you’re withdrawing from your pain meds, don’t believe anything your brain tells you until that gets sorted out.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    Any time my friend. I am still saving old post to read, so don’t think I am not going to read your other blog posts because I read almost everything. Will reply when I can, XXX

  3. G. Collerone says:

    thank you for your kind words. It means a lot

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    I’m sorry you are in so much pain and I hope tomorrow it’s not your last blog, I really would miss you and your blog, I don’t want you to do anything rash, I know you want to end it with please think about it some more. You are valued and you are an important part of the blogging community. I realise pain is hard to deal with, I don’t suffer from pain myself so I don’t have any idea really but I just want you to know that you been a good friend to me and I would hate to lose you and your friendship.

any thoughts?

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