Games my foot likes to play

Games my foot likes to play

The past few weeks, my foot has been playing these games with me. It will become really hot and painful so I take it out of the covers and it IMMEDIATELY cools down and stops hurting. Then it becomes cold so I stick it under the blankets, only for it to start hurting again so I take it out. This goes on for a while. It drives me crazy. One night I woke up with both feet on top of the covers and feet were freezing. Unreal.

I am getting tired of this game because I know one day it is going to stop and then I will be in more pain, unable to relieve it. I picked out another date. Fuck it. I don’t care, though tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 70’s. It’ll be my last chance to end my life while the weather is fair. My luck my back will go out because the temp jumped 30 degrees and I won’t be able to go no where.

I did a stupid thing tonight. I was trying to fix my lamp and inside where the bulb is was a lot of dust. Without thinking, I blew air into this cup thing. As you might of guessed, the dust blew into my face and I was blinded for a few minutes. Thank goodness I had my glasses on or dust would have been in my eyes. Idiot I am. I did fix my lamp though, least I think I did. We’ll see later on tonight if it turns on.

I am in a sour mood. The Cubs won, much to my dismay. My foot is killing me and there is nothing I can really do about it. I took some Neurontin to quiet the burning but that is half the problem. I also took an extra Ativan to help me sleep but I don’t feel sleepy. I just want to fucking die. That will solve all my problems in one shot.

I can’t believe my foot is calming down after I took it off the blankets. WTF. Who knew that would be the answer to my fucking problem. Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep. I know I am going to be dead tomorrow because I did a lot of shit today. I probably will sleep all day. Maybe, with any luck, I will sleep through my therapy appointment. I doubt it though. I am usually too nervous to sleep past the hour and I usually set an alarm to wake me up. I hate being responsible.

I just don’t know what to do if my foot becomes cold again because this in and out game sucks and keeps me up. I would put a sock on but that doesn’t help. I’ll try it though, a loose fitting one. I don’t want a tight one like my BoSox slipper socks or a heavy one like my thermal socks. Nothing too constricting or warm. I hope whatever my foot is going through, it doesn’t last all winter long. It will drive me up the fucking wall.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Games my foot likes to play

  1. beingdid says:

    damn your foot for acting crazy on you! I wish it would just stop already. I hope you managed to get some sleep. ❤ thinking of you. xoxo

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