sad and exhausted

Sad and exhausted

I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I had slept late and wasn’t really tired. I had finished the last of the casserole. I woke up and needed coffee. I had taken my morning meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I kind of planned the day of taking a shower, brushing my teeth, delivering the books to the Transgender Program, and then to Starbucks for coffee and lunch. I also planned on reading through my manuscript to see what else needed to be written.

The shower exhausted me. I had shaved and then I brushed my teeth. By the time I was in the shower, my back was flaring up. I had just finished washing my hair when I had to sit down. Cramps flooded my back and it was quite painful. I managed to get the bar of soap before sitting down so as I sat, I washed up. Drying off I nearly slipped in the shower stall. I managed okay then got dressed. I sat on my bed to rest and hydrate for a bit. I had no idea what I was going to wear. It was cool out but not quite cool enough for jeans. I decided on a button down shirt with my shorts. I then called a cab as I put my socks and shoes on. There was no way I was going to walk to my pcp’s office. I just didn’t have enough spoons for it.

The cab came. I put everything in my backpack and got in the cab. Traffic was bad. It normally takes like twenty minutes today took more than a half hour. I am glad I didn’t have an appointment or I would have been late. I dropped of the books and then ordered my drink and something to eat. I then walked to the Starbucks. There was a table free so I sat there and ate. After I ate, I tackled my manuscript. I got to like the 25^th page and the printing was bad. The toner had already started to go and I didn’t notice it. Reading what I wrote stirred up some emotions and then I read the letter I sent my mother back in 2021. I got really sad. The pages were impossible to read so I called it off and then headed to the station. I got to the Square and picked up my meds that were ready. I thought about getting another coffee but it was past 3pm and I would be up late if I did so didn’t. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. My nephew was in one of his moods as he didn’t even say hi to me when I greeted him. Whatever.

I thought about my mother all through the ride home. I was really sad. I still am sad. I am sad because my mom died and that I have no fucking clue where to go with my book. I couldn’t read what I wrote because there was a huge gap in the page. I am going to have to reprint the pages. I have a new toner that I haven’t installed yet. I’ve been lazy about it. People think writing a book is easy until they have to do it. I didn’t have pages to guide what I wrote so things just went on and then a new idea started and I was like WTF is going on here. I want to write more but I don’t know what I already wrote. I hate reading from a screen. I like pages in my hand to get something. This book is too important to me to just gloss over. I am going to try and see if Random House will publish it. No idea what is involved in the process. But I am half way where I want to be with 62 pages. I just need about 60-70 more to write. I’ll replace the toner in my printer sometime this weekend and then print out the 40 or so pages needed so I can read the rest of what I wrote. Hopefully it won’t hit me like a ton of bricks like it did today.