Author: Midnight Demon

Errands and therapy

I had therapy today. I woke up and didn’t want to. I had another difficult night sleeping. I woke up around 0030 and it was hard getting back to sleep. I forced myself to get out of bed around 1000, an hour before therapy so I could have some coffee. I ran out of cream so I was only able to have one cup of coffee.

Therapy was good. For the first time in a long time, I was talking when time ran out. I hate when that happens. We talked about my mother and self-care. I told her I wasn’t good at showering because of the depression. I can go a week to more without a shower. I have a hate relationship with the shower. It tires me out so I hate taking one.

After therapy I went to the Square to get my prescriptions and do a few errands. I wanted to go to the butcher shop to get some chicken for tonight but my niece said there is chicken marinating that my sister made. So I just went to the grocery store to get half and half and milk. I didn’t realize how fucking heavy the bag would become by the time I came home. I also got some Starbucks which made the bag heavier for some reason. It was difficult managing two cups and a heavy bag. I should have taken a cab home. I wish I brought my voucher with me. Now I just want to take a damn nap.

I talked briefly about my surgery with my therapist. I thought about canceling with my mother’s diagnosis but I can’t do that. I feel like I will regret it if I postpone it.

My back is cramping big time. I can’t rest or lie down. It makes it worse. I just had something to eat and I am drinking Powerade. I wanted to get something at Starbucks but I forgot to order food. I will next time I am in the area. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on doing that before bed. If I accomplish this, it will be a good day.

I got the beta blocker for my heart today and took it when I got home. I hope now my heart rate will be regulated better and I won’t go into tachycardia when going up the stairs or on exertion. I hope it works for me. I just put my recycle in a bag to be tossed. I need to clear my bed so I can change the sheets. I don’t have the energy to do it today. Maybe tomorrow or Saturday. I am getting my groceries delivered tomorrow. I am almost out of Powerade.

I have been listening to the last four Taylor Swift albums (Midnights not included). I am addicted to her music. I love Red TV. I have listened to that album so many times. It was all I listened to while I was in the hospital. I must have listened to All Too Well (10 min version) on repeat I don’t know how many times. Such a good song.

It ain’t pretty

I am listening to Martina McBride today to switch things up. I just came back from PT and even though I knew I had to pick up my prescription, I left my money at home so I couldn’t get them. Dammit. I will have to go out tomorrow after therapy. PT went good. We did some cardio and my heart didn’t go into tachycardia and I didn’t get too short of breath. Progress. I have to make some more appointments as I have just one left.

My aunts and uncle came over the house today. I got misgendered twice. I had to leave. I was wicked early for PT but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be around the transphobia again today. I just can’t deal.

I was up early as my sister got me up to take care of my mother at like 0730. I had a restless night as I woke up around midnight to pee and had a hard time settling down. I kept tossing and turning. My mother was in pain this morning as she was moaning. It was difficult to bear because there was nothing I could do for her.

I am trying to stay awake as I don’t want a repeat of last night. It is so hard because I am so tired. I just want to nap. I have been sneaking a snooze here and there but I can’t allow myself to fall asleep. I wish I wasn’t so bloody tired all the time.

I need to get my prescriptions tomorrow. I will get them after therapy tomorrow. I might go to Starbucks for a mocha in the afternoon. It was fairly warm today. I was hot with my fleece sweater. I was dressed much too warm for this weather. I am glad most of the snow is gone. I didn’t think it would stick around after a few days. I have my ceiling fan back on as it is warm in my room. That was the other reason I couldn’t get comfortable last night to sleep was because it was too warm in my room. I slept with just the sheet most of the night but even that was too warm. I hate being warm. I even have the window open.

Baseballism…Everybody deserves a second chance, but not a fourth strike. I love this quote. It sums up my mother’s relationship so much. I have given her so many chances and she never quite lived up to them. It has been one disappointment after another. Her trying to accept me as trans has been the most trying. I have decided that I don’t care anymore. She gets two chances each day to use the proper pronouns and then I walk away until the next day. It is the only way I can think of to live with her. She does accept corrections so I have that going for me.

My eyeglass frame decided to break one of the ear pieces off today. I don’t know what happened but it became loose and then when I took them off just now, the whole thing came off. I got a piece of tape securing it to the frame. I wasn’t looking to get new glasses this year, well, just buying transition lenses only but now I will have to buy another pair as a spare. Fuck. This isn’t in my budget. I will have to save another couple hundred in order to get this spare pair.

Anti hero

I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s new song Anti-Hero for the past day or so. It is stuck in my brain. I love the lyrics and melody. I have quite a few favorites on the Midnights album. It is a good album.

I have my pdoc appointment today. I need a refill on my Ativan. I just filled the Effexor and will get it tomorrow when I am out. Just hope I remember after PT to catch the right bus. I just hope the snow is somewhat gone at the bus stop. Sometimes they don’t shovel the stop and you have to go into the street to catch the bus. Sucks.

I don’t know what my problem is today but I have been sneezing since I got up this morning. I must have sneezed twenty time already if not more. Ugh. I need to take a shower as I have been sweating a lot so I stink. I will take the shower after my appointment.

I just had a bowel accident, the first since being home from the hospital. I coughed and crap came out, all loose stool. It was a mess. I definitely will need a shower today. I feel so awful about it. Least it didn’t leak to the bed though, that is my saving grace.

I haven’t worked on my book in a couple of weeks. I don’t know what to write really. I figure I will write more after my surgery in March. I cannot wait for this to happen. I will finally be free and flat chested again. I often think about the recovery and though it maybe painful, it will be worth it.

I took a shower and it exhausted me. I am more tired now than I was before I showered. I don’t know why sometimes I can shower it not affect me and other times it does. I do the same thing every time. So weird. My appointment with my pdoc went well. We talked about the care my mother needs right now. It is getting exhausting for us as she is up during the night and needs to make sure she is ok while she goes to the bathroom and remembers to put her oxygen on herself, which she is bad at doing. Her oxygen drops while she sleeps so she needs to wear the canula. We also talked about how the Effexor is helping but not that much. I am having major anxiety with my heart rate being so wild. It goes to over 130 bpm and it causes me so much discomfort. My PCP got back to me today about it after talking to my pdoc and they are going to put me on a beta blocker. I will need to get this tomorrow when I go out. I just hope I remember and take the bus to the Square rather than home after PT.

I need to put in my grocery order as I am running low on my Powerade and Gatorade. I also want turkey bacon. I haven’t made a turkey bacon sandwich in a really long time. I got to place the order for Friday as I am busy the next two days with appointments. Tomorrow is PT and Thurs is therapy.

It’s a snowy January day

It’s snowing again and I think it might actually stick today. It snowed the other day but it was just a weird flurry and the ground was too warm and wet to really accumulate. It didn’t snow for long either. I don’t know if it is going to snow for a while or not but it is coming down now.

I woke up around 0430 to pee and then I decided to stay up for a bit until fatigue set in around 0700 and I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I had three cups of coffee so I am set to do whatever. I picked and bagged my recycling in my room. I have the window open and it is kind of cold in my room. I turned the fan off because it was really cold with it on. It’s 32 degrees right now, which is perfect snow temps.

I am finding trouble with my words today. I want to write but I don’t know what to write. It is so frustrating. I have some things to say about my mother’s diagnosis but I don’t know if I should write it here or in my journal or just save it for therapy. Taking care of her has been difficult as she isn’t the easiest person to deal with. She is stubborn and doesn’t listen to what she is supposed to do. Very frustrating.

I was planning on reading today but it doesn’t look like it is going to happen. I haven’t touched the book in over a week now. I keep looking at it, wanting to pick it up but never do. I broke my routine of reading at 6pm and can’t seem to get back to it. I am too tired to read. I just am not in the right head space.