Category: depression

Sunday blog 01082021

I can’t believe it is August already. I will have my surgery in sixteen days. I can’t wait to have it because I have been having cramps the past few days and again I don’t know if they are bladder or uterine. My urge to pee has been great today so I haven’t cathed at all. It still hurts to go though. I thought a month of cathing would help and I was wrong. I am glad I haven’t got an infection. I have been careful. If I don’t get it on the first try, I will use another catheter. I have plenty so I don’t have to worry about running out. I just got my new supply order so I am set for the month.

I haven’t done anything today. I had my two cups of coffee and then my mother came into the kitchen to take her blood sugar and it was low. I gave her some juice and stayed with her as she made a sandwich. I told her not to take her insulin. She can skip a dose. After she ate and had juice her sugar went up to 105. I still told her not to take her insulin. It wasn’t high enough. For some reason her continuous glucose monitor and blood meter had different results, by forty points. She feels ok so that is the main thing. I’ll have her call her doctor tomorrow to find out why there is such discrepancy.

I have been sleeping with my new pillow and I haven’t been waking up in pain since using it. My neck still feels tight but it isn’t painful like it was. My back is aching. The weather has been cool so I don’t know why my back has been acting up. I should try the tennis ball to get the knots out.

I have another slow week appointment wise. I just have therapy and PT. I am going to try and go to Starbucks one of the days and hope I don’t get anxiety like I did before. It will be good to go out. Just hope I don’t have the sleepiness that I have been having lately. I have had to take a nap in the afternoon or early evening. It has been interfering with watching my games. Last night the Sox lost their third game in a row. I hope they will win tonight. Pivetta is on the mound and has been pretty good.

Saturday Blog 31072021

I’ve been in a blah mood all day. I woke up around 5 to pee and took a little bit to settle down and go back to sleep. I had put diclofenac gel on my shoulder and neck so it wasn’t bothering me. I just feel really ugly. Weather is nice and cool. It is beautiful out but I don’t care. I want to sleep but my foot is acting up.

I was able to shave and shower today. I felt a little better afterwards. My back was cramping but I let the hot water hit me and my neck so it settled down some. I had two cups of coffee today, one right after the other. I was hoping for a third but I don’t think I need it. I am feeling really tired today and don’t feel like doing anything. I have been reading Twitter. I posted some stuff on facebook but never got a response to it. I’ve been staying away from facebook lately because there is someone on there that pisses me off every time I post something. She tries to be supportive but it isn’t supportive. Just gaslighting if you ask me.

I was hoping I would wake up after the shower but it didn’t happen. Sox are playing an hour earlier tonight against the Rays. They lost last night. I didn’t really pay much attention to them as I went to bed early. I plan on doing the same tonight. I just feel really down. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. Guess the depression is having one of its days.

A nice day for being tired

Weather was beautiful out today and I was out for most of it. I went out this morning for PT. PT thought I have a tight muscle that is causing the pain but she did feel some swelling and didn’t know what that could be from. She encouraged me to keep my urgent care appointment. I made it for the afternoon as they didn’t have any morning available. I didn’t sleep well again last night so when I came home from PT I took some pain meds and tried to sleep. I failed as I was afraid I would blow off my appointment and stay in bed.

I had two cups of coffee and I was still tired. The urgent care place was running behind so I didn’t get seen till two hours after my appointment. My mother called me to tell me she made dinner. She thought I was home. She didn’t see me leave. I didn’t say goodbye either. I was in a mood. I didn’t fee like talking to anyone.

This morning I was so desperate for pain relief I put on some diclofenac gel. It worked and I was able to get about three straight hours of sleep. I am going to put some more on after this blog. I am hurting again with my neck. I am glad it is just muscle and not something more serious.

My PT and I talked about my being short of breath while doing stuff. She said my strength had come back but people with COVID have a hard time recovering their breath. It could be months. I notice it more when I am tired. A day like today left me pretty winded while walking home. I wasn’t even going up inclines or carrying anything heavy. In fact, I wasn’t carrying anything at all on the way home from urgent care. I left my little bag at home.

I did bicep curls with five pound weights. I liked the feel of it so I plan on buying the weight for home so I can try and work out. I would love to get my chest stronger but that might take some time doing, especially with my shoulder pain acting up. I’m glad the diclofenac gel helps the pain. I just got to be careful as my surgery is coming up and I can’t be using it or they will cancel my surgery. I can only use it for the next 8 days only and then I need to stop using it.

In a mood due to lack of sleep

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I had a difficult night sleeping due to pain. The left side of my neck is slightly more swollen than the right and hurts. I’ve been taking BT meds and Tylenol to deal with the pain. It isn’t affecting my neck’s range of motion. I am just in pain. I don’t know if it is muscle or something else. I called my pcp and he doesn’t have an opening until the 17^th. I want to be seen sooner than that. The other provider in the group doesn’t have an opening until the end of next week so I will most likely have to go to an urgent care center tomorrow or this weekend. I have PT in the morning tomorrow so I can go after that appointment. There used to be an urgent care next to my PT’s office but it closed down. I will have to go to Cambridge as it is close to me and I don’t want to go into Boston.

I had two cups of coffee and some quiche. If I get hungry later I will have some yogurt. Chobani just came out with a really good one. It is raspberry lemonade. It is so good. I bought some more when I bought my half and half.

My uro NP finally put in the new order for my catheters. I should be getting a few more boxes the end of the week or early next week. I got the refill order today. I am glad because two catheters malfunctioned in the new box I opened.

I am so tired. I am waiting for a callback from my doc’s office before going back to bed. I shaved my head today. I need to shower. I will take one later tonight. I kind of nicked the back of my head while shaving. OOPS. I couldn’t see it so I don’t know how bad it was. It bled for a time but finally stopped. I love the bald feel of my head now. I had my haircut yesterday so it was the right length to shave it. I think I look good with my head shaved and having a top of full head of hair.

With my mood being so bad, I am hating the way my body is. Gender dysphoria is hitting me hard today. I just loathe myself so much. I am so tired of being in the wrong body. Sadly, even if I transition, I will still be in the wrong body. I will just be making my appearance change to fit the congruence of being male.

The pain in my neck has become so severe it is making me nauseous. My pcp’s nurse called back. She wants me to go to urgent care so I will go tomorrow after my PT appointment. Hope this is just a bad muscle thing and nothing more serious. I will have my PT look at my neck tomorrow to see if she can see anything major wrong. She probably will tell me it is just stress. Hope that is all it is.

In a mood due to lack of sleep

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I had a difficult night sleeping due to pain. The left side of my neck is slightly more swollen than the right and hurts. I’ve been taking BT meds and Tylenol to deal with the pain. It isn’t affecting my neck’s range of motion. I am just in pain. I don’t know if it is muscle or something else. I called my pcp and he doesn’t have an opening until the 17^th. I want to be seen sooner than that. The other provider in the group doesn’t have an opening until the end of next week so I will most likely have to go to an urgent care center tomorrow or this weekend. I have PT in the morning tomorrow so I can go after that appointment. There used to be an urgent care next to my PT’s office but it closed down. I will have to go to Cambridge as it is close to me and I don’t want to go into Boston.

I had two cups of coffee and some quiche. If I get hungry later I will have some yogurt. Chobani just came out with a really good one. It is raspberry lemonade. It is so good. I bought some more when I bought my half and half.

My uro NP finally put in the new order for my catheters. I should be getting a few more boxes the end of the week or early next week. I got the refill order today. I am glad because two catheters malfunctioned in the new box I opened.

I am so tired. I am waiting for a callback from my doc’s office before going back to bed. I shaved my head today. I need to shower. I will take one later tonight. I kind of nicked the back of my head while shaving. OOPS. I couldn’t see it so I don’t know how bad it was. It bled for a time but finally stopped. I love the bald feel of my head now. I had my haircut yesterday so it was the right length to shave it. I think I look good with my head shaved and having a top of full head of hair.

With my mood being so bad, I am hating the way my body is. Gender dysphoria is hitting me hard today. I just loathe myself so much. I am so tired of being in the wrong body. Sadly, even if I transition, I will still be in the wrong body. I will just be making my appearance change to fit the congruence of being male.

The pain in my neck has become so severe it is making me nauseous. My pcp’s nurse called back. She wants me to go to urgent care so I will go tomorrow after my PT appointment. Hope this is just a bad muscle thing and nothing more serious. I will have my PT look at my neck tomorrow to see if she can see anything major wrong. She probably will tell me it is just stress. Hope that is all it is.