Tag: baseball

baseball and hockey

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Watching the ball game and it got rain delayed but I think my team is going to have the win because it is the middle of the 7th inning.

I am now trying to watch the hockey game but it is intermission time. I know crap about hockey. Only thing I know is that the puck needs to go in the net. I don’t know the rules, the positions other than goalie, and the meaning of the lines. I don’t even know the names of the players.

I have not done much this weekend. I spent yesterday sleeping until 2 pm and then waiting for the sox game to come on at 7. Today was much of the same thing except for some reason the game didn’t start at 1 like they said it was. If they did have a 1pm start they could have possibly missed the rain delay.

Bruins just SCORED. That makes it 4-2 right now in the 3rd period. I still cannot watch it too closely as it just makes me dizzy.

I should probably take a shower while nothing is going on. I haven’t had one since Thursday night. I just don’t feel like taking one. Even though I take a short shower, no more than 10-15 mins, it still bothers my ankle to stand that long and then stand to get dry and dressed. My ankle has been somewhat good the past few days so I really don’t want to tax it by standing on it for twenty minutes.

And the BRUINS SCORE AGAIN! 5-2!! They have currently 2 and a half mins remaining in the 3rd quarter. Sox still have a rain delay. I don’t know if they will continue playing or if they will call the game. And there is a puck out of play at 16 sec left. WTF The Bruins win!!! Now I can take my shower!

this life would kill me…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, writing

The Boston Bruins have won the semi finals to advance to the Eastern finals. In Overtime. It was a spectacular game. I didn’t watch one second of it. I just had to turn on Facebook and Twitter to learn of the hits and misses. It was awesome. I can’t watch hockey. To me, I rather watch golf. It is the most boring game to me.

My Sox were off tonight. A travel day to the Trop in Florida. They will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays tomorrow.

My friend who gives me ideas sometimes for writing thinks I should write about suicide in the spring and baseball season. I think I have already written about it. But I almost told her that this was my last year. I have given up and there is really nothing no one can do about it. I am just going through the motions of living just to fool everyone around me into thinking I am ok. I hate having these dual feelings, the ambivalence about living. I just know I can’t go on. If I could, I would try something now but it will just mess up my plans for later on this year. I just don’t feel the timing is right. Not that the timing is ever right. I just have it in my head about this certain date and I got to make sure that things are set before this date. I might try in a month or two to leave this world but I am not sure. The ambivalence is just killing me, literally. I want to die but I don’t want to live. Maybe if I survive this, that will be the name of my book.

I have been writing about the Aeschi model and the CAMS model for the AAS blog that I write for. I feel like I have the basics down pat but I am stuck on the specific details about it. But then it is not an exact science. People have died even though they have followed the Suicide Status Form to a T. I still feel like trying to prevent suicide is a tricky business. You can’t take away that person’s option. Once you do, it is treacherous territory. But working with a suicidal person is risky. You might get them out of the water this time, but not be so successful the next. It take a constant vigilance and effort to deal with a suicidal person. I don’t know how my therapist does it. I feel like if I kill myself I will let her down. She traps me into living and I hate her for it. But like the song by Thompson Square, If I didn’t have you, goes. “This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.”

baseball and burials

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball

Again not having a good day. Woke up at 0630 this morning to pain in my foot. Took pain pills and went back to sleep and tried not to oversleep as I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. Got up around ten, showered and got dressed. Decided to wear my AFO today with my shorts as today was hot out and I didn’t want to have a day like yesterday. Half way through my drink at Starbucks, my psychiatrist emails me to reschedule our appointment. I was kind of pissed.

Then I get the twitter feed about the stupid burial of the fucking terrorist has been sent to a cemetery in Virginia and I thought finally, there is some closure to this fucker. NOPE. The media had to stick their fucking noses in it with questions to the county, who didn’t even know the guy was going to get buried there. WTF. Cremate his fucking ass already. He isn’t a damn Christain. His body is already almost a month old and I know embalming is good but he must be decomposing while he waits this out. I am not saying I feel for the guy. I just want to stop hearing about how so many places have denied his burial. HE IS A TERRORIST. HE SHOULD BE CREMATED TO BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. He killed four innocent people and injured 176 other innocent people, some of whom have lost their limbs because of this asshole. Burying him is going to promote vandalism on his grave. I know I would like to piss on his grave. Fucker doesn’t belong in the ground.

Then I get another tweet about my beloved Sox and how they are getting scrutinized for playing good baseball for the month of April. Clay Buchholz gets named AL player of the month and then is accused of doctoring the baseball. WTF that is the most stupidest thing I have ever heard and it was not an umpire. It wasn’t the MLB. It wasn’t even a player or manager of the opposing team that accused him. It was a fucking reporter for the Blue Jays because we kicked their ass playing GOOD baseball. Then because David Ortiz went on a hitting streak, he gets accused by a BOSTON media announcer for using PEDs. Since the accusations, my Sox can’t win a game. They are currently on a losing streak and even though they are tied for first place, that holding might end. Tonight we play the Blue Jays again. Lester is on the mound.

My city gets bombed. And now my home team is getting accused of misdemeanors. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am an avid baseball fan. I love baseball. It is the one thing that brings me joy, even if my boys lose. I am still happy to watch the game. But come on. Leave them alone. If Ortiz is using, the MLB will find out. If Buchholz is doctoring the baseball, they will find out. But the mentality has shifted. I hope things turn around for them. Players are afraid to do good because they don’t want to get accused of something that they are not doing. It is killing me to have my players, my TEAM in this rut because the media needs a damn story. I don’t know what happened to checking the facts before sending out a story. I think that has gone out the window. And it is hurting the players and the game.

having a rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Having a rough day.

Day is not going the way I wanted. I just wanted to sleep today but I am sick with allergies and post nasal drip. I can’t walk more than a few feet without a wave of nausea after sniffling or sneezing. I just took one of my anti-nausea pills that I use for my migraine to try and curb it as it should have stopped by now. I might be getting a migraine but I don’t know until sound or light starts bothering me. I just wanted to spend the day sleeping but that didn’t work for me. Once I woke up, I found it hard to go back to sleep. Plus it didn’t help that I was waiting for a text from my therapist so every text message I was jumping on.

I started re-reading my book but it just sounds stupid at this point. I hate reading and just feel like I should start a new paragraph and start there but I just don’t know what to write.

I still have not started my lyric song book. I think I will wait until the new Lady A album comes out tomorrow. I just some of the lyrics to their new songs and it sounds so amazing. I really love Lady A. They are a cool country group. I wish my Jennifer Nettles would hurry off her maternity leave and get back to work. But I know how it is with babies and such. It’s hard to leave them when they need constant care. I just am dying for some new Sugarland music!!

Been listening to the radio, something I don’t do regularly. I usually just listen to my MP3 player and listen to Taylor, Jason Aldean and Gary Allan. But the radio you get to listen to everyone. Today was the premiere of Tim Mcgraw’s video, “Highway Don’t Care”. I cried. It was so moving. Definitely going to be an award winner.

My Red Sox pulled out another win in the 11th inning. They would have won earlier if they didn’t call Drew out at the plate when the catcher didn’t apply the tag. The home plate ump sucked from that point on.

Right now it is four thirty in the morning and I am up with an upset stomach ache. I took some stuff to quiet it down but it still is bothering me. I hope I don’t throw up. I hate throwing up.

I finally got a reason for the nausea earlier today as I got a migraine in the 4th inning of the game. I hate migraines too.

I got to talk to my therapist today. I told her about the letter. She wanted me to read it to her but I told her I had already put it in an envelope for mailing. I did read her my blog from the other night, talking about me being a failure. She was trying to get me to see that I wasn’t but I paid no attention. She also wanted me to see my reasons for living but I can’t see that when I am suicidal. I can’t think of that. It holds me back and that is what she tries to do. And I hate her for it. I hate being forced to live for the sake of the people around me. It’s like being blackmailed to live. And I don’t like it one bit.

I’m getting sleepy now so I will stop here and continue this another day.