Tag: body image

Feeling perturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Last night I was in the throws of suicidal thinking. I imagined me taking a handful of pills and throwing my luck in the air on whether I would live or die. It felt so real. I didn’t do anything. I tried reading the stuff about cognitive dissonance. It was hard reading it. I am going to try and read more today about it.

I slept for a couple of hours last night and then I was up for most of the night. I read three chapters of Henry Adams and wanted to read more. It is just so interesting even though the people he mentions, I have no idea who they are. I am also trying to figure out the timeline as he keeps going back and forth. I hate it when authors do that. It’s hard to follow.

My sister woke me up this morning. She wanted to know if I would be home for the people to change the water meter. I said I would be. I had gone to bed with a mild toothache but when I woke up, my teeth are really hurting. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on brushing my teeth, shaving my head, and then taking a shower, hopefully all together. I don’t have much energy right now and I feel perturbed. All the extra paperwork I submitted for SNAP didn’t even give me one dollar more a month. It’s a fucking joke.

I sent my therapist a text. I felt like she should know I’m not doing so great. I don’t know why I am struggling. I guess talking about suicidality has stirred things up a bit.

I got so much to do and I don’t feel like doing any of it. I feel wicked tired despite having two cups of coffee. I really didn’t fall back to sleep until after 0700. I took my meds about 6ish. I still need to do the boxes for the week. That has to be a priority. I also need to take my recycle down. Not sure what I am going to do with this printer. Pisses me off I spent like 50 bucks for the wrong toner and got the damn toner stuff all over the place. I still don’t understand how I got the wrong one as it was from the Canon website. Something isn’t right.

I want to nap. I’m just in a rough space. I feel wicked sad. Also have some dysphoria with my body. I have gained weight and it is upsetting me. I know I need to eat but I don’t want to. I want to starve myself but I like food too much. I’ve just been eating the bare minimum. I’ll figure it out one day but today isn’t the day.

Random things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

There are huge shake downs in Boston right now regarding sports. The hockey team lost the finals. The basketball coach was fired. A football player is accused of double homicide. And while that is all going on, my baseball team is red hot and in first place for the first time since the 2009 season. That is all I am going to say on the matter as I don’t want a ragtime blog of my opinion on the subjects as other than baseball, I really don’t care. Right now only one sport exists and that is baseball. Anything concerning my players or the other teams is of interest in me. Otherwise, I don’t care.

I got a tweet last night saying that there is a 1,200 year old tomb that was found intact. I thought at first it might be a Maya tomb but that would be too late. It was of the Wari people who I didn’t even know existed. I am not too good on the early peoples of South America other than the Maya as they have plagued my interest since learning of their short ruling period. I also have an interest in the Inca as they are presumeably the ones that took over the Maya temples and such and faced the same fate once the Spanish invaded Mexico.

Anyway, I became interested in this tomb as I love archeology. I think that finding things from the past is fascinating. Yes I am a lover of the Indian Jones movies and maybe my fascination came from his work. But I am also interested in the dinosaurs and how things evolved from an evolutionary standpoint. I have yet to read Darwin’s Origin of Species but I plan to one day.

I saw my psychiatrist today. And she didn’t hospitalize me but I did tell her that I have a future date of potentially killing myself. She thinks that I am hormonal and asked that I contact my reproductive endocrine doc, which I did. To my surprise she was available for meeting with me to talk about what to do as I have my menses. She checked the lining of my uterus to see if there was a problem and there wasn’t. What she FAILED to tell me was that it could take up to three months for this new patch to work. That would have been helpful to know!!! So I am going to stick it out the three months (I have two months to go) and see if this patch is better than taking a pill every day. But I have had it will this period bullshit. My psych knows what havoc this is causing me. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel it is hopeless to transition. I can’t even talk about it without being very depressed about it. It is killing me more than having boobs.

I normally don’t think about being a male every day because I already think I am one as long as I don’t look at my chest. But when I get my menses, it really, really messes with my head and reinforces the notion that I am in the wrong body. I guess I have been in denial the past week. It just has been so hard but my suicidality has not peaked, least not yet. I feel that I should stop this and try and put it out of my head that I am a male. But that is so hard to do. I am not talking about changing my dress to female or anything of the sort. Just to stop thinking that I would be a male someday. Even if I were to get hormones, I doubt my breasts would shrink enough not to be noticed. I am morbidly overweight so they do have some fat and unless I starve myself, I really don’t see a way to be back to normal weight. I just bought some cereal to help with the diet again. I figure if I just eat cereal for two meals and then eat a normal dinner with some kind of protein, I should be ok. I just hope that I can stick with it. But losing weight is just one of the issues that I have with my self-esteem and body image issues.

My therapist thinks that I have body dysmorphic disorder. I think she maybe right as I do hate my body, every stinking inch of it. And in turn, I hate myself deeply because of it. I really think I am ugly and unattractive. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am glad I don’t have any mirrors in my room except a very small one that I use so I can put eye drops in my eyes. Even then I loathe looking at myself. It is just another reason why I want to die. I don’t feel I deserve to be living because I am so heinous looking.

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in writing

30 Day writing Challenge Day 13
Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it:

This is a tough one because I am not comfortable with my body at all. I think I am ugly and distorted. I hate my chest, I hate my reproductive parts. Everything about me I hate. But I guess that is part of being a transgendered individual.