Tag: depression

A Rainy, Flooding Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Rainy Flooding Day

It’s been raining most of the day. Of course I wanted to go out today, despite having babysitting duties. I really wanted my iced coffee and to pick up some burgers and buns. But, alas, that didn’t happen. And despite not doing anything strenuous, I hurt my leg again. It has been aching me since midday. I have been taking my pain meds, half of what I usually would take, because I have to care for a minor. I can’t stand on it for more than a few minutes and I am going to dread going up the two flights stairs to my room. I wonder why they call a bunch of stairs a “flight”? I can see it when you go up the stairs but going down? Just seems silly to me.

I had no therapy today, though I tortured my therapist with waiting till I talk to her tomorrow. I know she is going to be more excited than I am about David Jobes sending me a thank you card. I was curious to know if he got it because the guy in Switzerland just sent me an email of appreciation. HAHA would have been nice to get a box of chocolates. THAT would have been special! And I love Lindt chocolates!

So to get that card was really something and totally unexpected. I wish he wrote more than he did, but I am grateful for what I got. I still am treasuring the what he wrote. I really am ecstatic, don’t get me wrong. But my therapist brings it to another level. She came to my poster session where I met him and he shook my hand. We didn’t have camera phones back then so I don’t have a picture with him. Or if I did, I didn’t have the brains to think of getting a picture with him. I would have fainted anyways. I was nervous enough as it was and he saw me being all fricken nervous. I still remember being nervous and this happened six years ago!

I am in pain. The t-storms we are having is not helping my pain. I woke up around 0330 this morning and was not happy. It has been a long day because I had to get up at 0800 to babysit. Babysitting is easier with a 9 year old than it is with younger kids. You let them watch TV, read a little bit, play on the computer and you are set. You just got to feed them at meal times and maybe give them snacks. My little one today tried her hand at a pear and milk smoothie. I told her she should have just ate the pear but she didn’t listen. The smoothie was gross and she threw most of it away. I knew she wasn’t going to like it, because, come on, milk and pears?

It sucks I didn’t get to nap while I was babysitting. I mostly stayed on my laptop and did my thing, except listen to music. I so wanted to listen to Pearl Jam today as the songs have been rattling my brain all day. My niece doesn’t like the music I like and I don’t like her music so no music was played today.

I don’t know what I am going to do tonight. There are no baseball games today. I think I am going to try and read some as I haven’t done that in a while. I am just so tired I may just go to sleep instead.

Random 222

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Random 222

I had a crappy night sleeping last night. I stayed up till 0400 as I just couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t in pain. My brain just wouldn’t turn off and I was kind of hyper. My meds some times puts me into overdrive, especially when I am overtired.

I slept like every 3 hours before I decided to get up. I wanted to take a shower and go to Walgreens to get a box of cereal I have been craving. I did ok with the shower. I wasn’t tired afterwards but did have to cool off some as it’s very humid today. I didn’t think I would be able to go to the store but I did. I didn’t wear my AFO because I wanted to see if there was a difference in my pain. After I had therapy, I walked to the post office to drop off her letter with just my sandals on. I did ok, though my ankle throbbed on the way coming home. I think I am back in the game. I am not in severe pain and I hope that this continues. I think all the resting finally paid off, even if my ankle bone is the size of a golfball.

I had therapy today. She kept on commenting on how I got 8+ hours of sleep the night before. That hasn’t happened in so long. But it didn’t happen last night. And I don’t think it will happen tonight as I have to wake up early tomorrow to watch my niece. I have her all day tomorrow. Should be fun as long as the AC holds out. My sister wants me to take her to the library but we’ll see on that. It will be very draining for me to take on such an excursion as we will need to take two buses to go. We’ll see how my pain holds up during the night. If I am feeling like I did today, there might not be a problem. Course, that is if I get enough sleep tonight.

I got a thank you card today from Dr. David Jobes, my favorite suicidologist. I thought it was really sweet that he took the time to write to me. He thanked me for sending my book and talking about his work. Also said that he remembers me from the time we met in Boston at the 41st annual AAS conference. That really made my day, getting a card from him. My therapist doesn’t know this yet. She has to wait till Thursday, our next session, to find out. I couldn’t believe it when I saw the return address. I was freaking out.

I told someone on twitter I was going to be watching the All star game tonight. I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore. So on that note, I will sign off for today.

Can’t delete numbers from my phone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Can’t delete numbers from my phone

I got a call tonight from my cousin. It came up as my Godfather’s number. He passed away suddenly in 2011 so when the number popped on my phone, I was a little freaked out. But I then realized it was his wife that was actually calling me. We had a good chat. I just miss him so much that I haven’t deleted his contact and I guess since I have his wife under a different name (she has a hyphenated name), it doesn’t come up because B comes before C. Another dear friend of mine passed away more than a few years ago. I still have her contact information in my phone that I haven’t deleted. I don’t know why I am hanging on to these contacts knowing that they are gone. I guess I just want to remember them in someway.

Yesterday was my cousin’s birthday and I was supposed to attend. I couldn’t because I am still on bed rest. I felt really bad about missing it as I love visiting with her. She is a really nice lady. My Godfather was lucky to have her.

I was going through some pictures of another cousin’s wedding. A lot of the people in the pictures are now deceased. It was difficult. I had a picture of my father and I. He looks so different than he does today. He lost a LOT of weight since that picture. I thought about posting the pics on Facebook but didn’t want to stir things up. I just tucked the photos back where I found them. They weren’t what I was looking for in the first place.

I don’t know why I haven’t deleted these people. It’s not like they can have contact with me through the real world anymore. I guess it’s just hard for me to let go of someone I care deeply about, especially when you lose them suddenly. So I still have the contact numbers in my phone and they are probably going to stay there until the end of time. I like to look at the names that I haven’t seen in a while and remember that person. Because that is all that I have left of them.

Weird comment

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Weird comment

It has been almost a week since I received a weird comment on my blog. Instead of being supportive in a good way, this fellow blogger was supporting my decision to commit suicide and said that no one has the right to stop me. While it was unusual to get such a comment, I couldn’t help but agree as I was also feeling a little pissed off. It set off different emotions. I accepted the comment (all my comments are moderated), then I trashed it. I realized that I don’t want that kind of negativity on my blog, even though it was on target to how I felt on my dark side.

I was able to watch the game today on the TV because my mother was out today. I watched it until I could no longer bear the heat. I was disappointed to find that the regular announcers were not announcing. I found out through twitter that both announcers took vacation at the same time. It was so weird listening to the game with different announcers, and they sucked. The analysis was just awful. It also grated on my nerves so when I got intolerably hot, I went back to my AC’d room and listened the game on the radio. We won 11-0. The first time the Sox have scored that many runs all season. I hope that after the break they continue to do well. Otherwise, it is just going to be heartbreaking.

Tonight, my sister had her friends over and they were discussing work. I would have stayed but my leg started acting up and I had to put it up. It left me feeling guilty and bad. I still am unable to join in the fun so to speak. And though I have been out of work for two years now, I don’t think that I can go back to the workforce. It just would kill me. I still want to work at Starbucks, not to enjoy the perks of being an employee, but to smell coffee all day! I want to learn how to make a latte and a macchiato. I know it will be stressful and I will get the many upset customers who will say their drink is not perfect. Just thinking about this, I am wondering why I would put myself in that position. But making coffees and lattes has been on my mind for the last several years. I just don’t know if I will be able to stand the for the length of my shift without it killing me. And if I have to quit because my leg is hurting too much, I know it will just kill me. But I figure if I just work a few hours a day with a day off in between, I should be ok.

I finally got out of the house and went to the pharmacy to get my meds. Tomorrow I plan on calling a few places for quotes to junk my car. If I get at least $300 I will be happy. If I can get more, I really will be happy!

I wrote my therapist a few letters over this weekend. I think I will write one more before sending out my letter in the mail. I want to tell her about talking with a friend today really boosted my spirits. He was telling me that he highly respects me because of the book that I wrote. He couldn’t believe all that I went through and that I am still here. He is a really nice guy. I had to apologize to him when he told me he cried when he read my book. He is the second person I know that cried when they read my book. I think it is more because they know me than the content. But I don’t know. My writing is pretty powerful when it needs to be. I don’t know if anyone else has cried when they read my book.

I am following a PsyD (doctor of psychology) on twitter. He has more than 90K tweets. He tweets morning, noon, and night. Some of his tweets I like, some I don’t and when he gets on topic of something, usually gay related…holy fuck he doesn’t shut up about it. He will go on and on and on. Drives me crazy. He is the only psych that I follow that does this. The rest of the psychs that I follow just post stuff about their work or quotes themselves. He is the only one that is “real”. I really find his tweets informative, even if they annoy me.