Tag: depression

baseball and still being depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Interesting day in Baseball world…Manny Ramirez (former Red Sox) is a player/coach to AAA team for the Cubs organization. Josh Beckett (former Red Sox) pitched his first no hitter of the season. And the Sox lose their 10th game in a row, the worst since 1994. I am totally at a loss. There was a brawl in the game today, in the pounding by the Rays. I cannot stand their manager Joe Maddon. He just irks me in the worst way. The reason for the brawl was that there was stolen base that occurred after the Rays scored 5 runs. It was totally not necessary to steal the base but the jerk Escobar thought it was good and then taunted the Red Sox dug out. It was really stupid. Three players got ejected from the game, though I am uncertain why a third player got ejected when only two, that I saw, instigated the brawl. But oh well.

I had a somewhat productive day. I have been up since six. I started doing some reading and I think I am going to write out my highlighted sections of the book that I am reading. It will give me something to do and maybe understand this book better.

Weird that my mother called me and asked if I was still sick. I have no idea what she was talking about. If she meant sick as in depression, I denied it and said I was fine. If she meant sick as in sick, well, I don’t know what gave her that impression. The only person that I have been telling my troubles to is an online friend and I doubt she would have my mother’s number or the inclination to call my mother. It’s just weird.

I still have little appetite. Seems I can only eat one meal a day and anything more than that I get really bloated and sick, even if the meals are hours apart. Last night I had some pizza and it really gutted me. I felt so sick after eating it. Guess my system can’t handle food right now. I am fine with that if it means weight loss!

I got really cold today despite the temperature being in the 60’s. I never get cold unless I am sick, but then I have been feeling run down with the depression. I still have socks on my feet and a long sleeved t-shirt on. I still have not warmed up despite being in my comfort zone (aka my room). I went there to take a nap but my damn foot started up. First it was my right foot with zaps. Then my left ankle decided to act up and hurt really bad. I had to take pain medication because I didn’t want it to get worse. I am very tired and want a damn nap but it’s almost 7 pm (19:00). If I fall asleep now, chances are I will wake up in a couple of hours and then be up all night.

Because it is a holiday weekend in the US (Memorial day), I don’t think I will get paid on Tuesday like I thought I would. It might be Wednesday. Either way I am excited that it will be my first payment for my book sales. I just have to remember to save some money for taxes because they don’t take them out. Doing my taxes next year is going to be interesting.

hardest week to get through

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am feeling a little better today. I was able to get up and do some things. One of the things I did was read and study the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a book written by Sydney Blatt. He is a good writer but a lot of the concepts are foreign to me as it has been years since I read about Freud. He also is talking a lot of psychoanalytical stuff that I just am clueless about. But his thoughts about depression, I think are solid. I am taking notes so that I can talk about it with my therapist on Monday. She is the one that introduced me to Blatt.

I so far have avoided taking a nap. Having a 4 pm ball game is helping to keep me from resting my head on a pillow. I did make myself a cup a tea and make myself some lunch. I still don’t have that much of an appetite, but I am eating. I am also trying to increase my fluid intake because after the serious side effects I had the other night, I don’t know if it was because of dehydration or side effects of the abilify. I really have not been drinking fluids except for the few sips I take with my medication. And with me sleeping most of the time, I know I am dehydrated a little bit.

This week has been the hardest to get through. I am glad that I am not so sleepy as I have been most of the week. But that might change. I think the Cymbalta is finally starting to give me a little kick. I just hope it’s not too much of a kick. I really don’t want to be manic, though I would welcome some euphoria.

What really has been surprising me all week is that I haven’t been in too much pain. My physical pain has been minimal to nonexistent. But I think that is because I really have not been out of bed except to go to the bathroom or eat something. I hope the level of pain stays the way it has been but I don’t think it will. My foot is cold today and that always means a flare up later. Weather has been beautiful all week, not like I have enjoyed much of it. I really have been under the covers.

I have to say that despite the physical symptoms of my depression, I have not been suicidal. I really don’t know why that is. Usually when my depression is bad, I am nothing but suicidal. I told my therapist during our last session that if I become suicidal again, via text as the case usually is, that she is to implement the SSF despite my protests. I think it would be interesting to fill one out when I am in the middle of a suicidal mind set. The hardest part is knowing when a suicidal crisis will occur. I already know certain factors are involved: physical pain, hopelessness, suicidality, low depression, and helplessness or psychache. This combination of feelings is more than likely to send me over the edge at any given moment.

The unproductive side of depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I got up early today but quickly went back to bed as it was six in the morning. I wanted to get up and be productive today but it hasn’t happened yet. I am fighting the urge to go back to bed as we speak but thought I would write for a bit.

I have never had a depression be this bad before. I usually spend a day or two in bed. But never more than that. Sure there are days I don’t shower and that bothers me, but sleeping all day every day for the past several days is worrying me. I feel lazy though I have no reason to be.

I really want to read the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a clinical book and is laden with a whole bunch of terms, some I am familiar with, others not so much. The reason I want to read this book is because I am bored. I am tired of reading about suicide books and history. I need something different. But the problem is that my depression is interfering with my reading skills. And because I am tired all the time, it is difficult to pick up a book, any book.

I haven’t journaled in my journal in what seems like weeks. I just don’t see the point. Monday I have an appointment with my therapist. I really would like to get at least a chapter of something in before then. The depression has been so bad that I don’t even play my game anymore or I am only on for a few minutes and then I shut down the laptop to go sleep.

I just feel so unproductive. Today I made pancakes but it was such a hassle and I make them sucky. They weren’t as good as the last batch. I still have not showered and need to badly. I feel so useless. My music doesn’t help me anymore. I listen but it is more like background noise. And when I try to read, I need to shut the music off because I need my reading voice in order to read. Weird that the voices have been quiet lately. I hope it’s not the calm before the storm. Last thing I need is to become psychotic. I will have to go into the hospital if that happens. I wish I could get an energy burst or something. I am so depressed I don’t even want my coffee anymore. I haven’t had coffee since Tuesday. Course I am out of my Starbucks funds so that is one reason I haven’t had coffee. But I can use my sister’s Keurig to make a cup, if I was inclined, which I am not. Maybe tomorrow I will make a cup.

fighting side effects

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Cancelled my father’s doctor’s appointment today because I didn’t feel good and you would have thought I killed someone. My father was an irate bastard who didn’t give a damn that I was sick. He just felt like a “salami”. Thanks for the care dad!

I slept most of the day. I woke up really early this morning with bowel pain. That pretty much told me to stay near a bathroom. I wasn’t going to risk crapping my pants for an appointment that I didn’t want no part of anyway.

Then I got the depression sleeping sickness. That is what I call when all you want to do is sleep and stay in bed. So that is what I did all day for the rest of the day. I would be up for a few hours and then I would have to lie down because I would get so sleepy. Much like I am feeling now. I talked about it with my therapist tonight. She thinks I am just exhausted and need rest. Some help she is. I also have been having side effects from the abilify for the past three days. I didn’t take it tonight. I have been popping Ativan like it were candy. I hate feeling like a rubber ball. The only way I feel normal is if I am lying down. I might have to lower the dose of the abilify if I can’t keep this from happening.

I really need to take a shower but I think I will wait until tomorrow to take one. I just am spent. Fighting these side effects has been awful.