Tag: depression

no longer a nobody

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been listening to the RENT soundtrack. I forgot how much I miss listening to it. I also remember watching it with the original cast back when I was in college. It was totally awesome. The only problem is that I seem to have lost disc 2. I have no idea where the original CD holder is. I have looked in several places in my room and have not turned it up. I hate that I won’t listen to the full musical. But I like disc 1 better than disc 2. It will turn up when I am looking for something else.

Today I tried to load my profile for Dragon and was not able to do so successfully. I will try tomorrow as I don’t have patience right now to deal with it. But at least I loaded it on my new laptop and it seems to work well with Win 8.

I am feeling stressed. I think my editor might be contacting me next week. It will make the book experience that more real for me and although that is a good thing, it scares me. It is one step closer to actually calling myself a writer, of being an author. And with that title means that I am no longer a nobody. Granted I won’t be joining the ranks of Hemmingway or anything but I can call myself an author and that is a big deal to me.

I finally got out of the house today but I couldn’t stay at my happy place. There was a sick woman who despite having a fever, a cough, and the runs, she was having her Starbucks. Why the fuck she wasn’t home, I have no idea. I just got my latte and my bag and left. I can’t risk getting sick from that idiot.

bad day: stuff you don’t talk about

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

I have been in a rotten mood all day. Started when my bowels woke me up and I wasn’t happy about that. I don’t know if I caught a virus or something was upsetting my stomach but man I just made it. And having CES I was lucky to make it. Usually I am safe when I have hard stools, which they were. I did go an hour later again and it was softer stool. Luckily I was already in the bathroom because I had to pee. So my day started at four in the morning because of this. I have been trying to get back to sleep but either the phone kept ringing or I was getting text messages. I am very tired and though I have shut off the phone and laid down for an hour or so, I didn’t sleep. I talk about this stuff not because I want the world to know my bathroom issues but because no one talks about life after CES. People think that you are normal because you “look” normal and that is just not the case. Sure I was lucky that I didn’t poop my pants today but I could have and it would have really sucked. Normal people don’t think about these things. Sure they might be constipated or have irritable bowel but with CES the nerves that tell you to go are affected. I was lucky I had some warning with bowel cramps (which is what woke me up). But I didn’t expect that to happen at four in the morning. Even if it was four in the evening, I still would have trouble deciding if I was going to go now or later. With CES, you never know when you are going to go. And it’s tough living this way. And because my bowels were unpredictable, it meant I couldn’t leave the house like I wanted to do today. So I figured why bother taking a shower as I wasn’t going out. I will just stay stinky. The depression surrounding this is great. I don’t talk about it much on my blog but I am today because it makes me sad that I can’t do the stuff I normally can. No I didn’t have an accident but I could have. And that scares me. I try very hard to keep myself regular but it’s not always easy.

I think the reason for me not sleeping, other than my ankle deciding to act up, is because I am itching to install the Dragon Naturally Speaking software. Only problem is I am not motivated to actually do it. I have no motivation at all today, not even taking a shower. And I need one really bad as the last time I showered was Friday. I might do it tonight before going to bed. My therapist said that is my goal for the day. I kind of want but don’t want a session tomorrow but my stress levels have been enormous since dealing with my father. Then my mother calls and wants me to go to Walgreens to pick up their paper and check the price of their eggs. Screw that. I am not going out today because my bowels are unpredictable. But I can’t tell her that. I really don’t feel well so I will go with that.

I sent an email to my support group about the “lovely” day I have been having and someone wants me to take fiber. Sorry I already do. I just got a score of fiber pills on Amazon. Normally these pills run like 11-15 bucks for one bottle. I got two for the price of 11 bucks. SCORE. I really need help with regulating my bowels. I will be the first to admit it because I don’t eat right and unfortunately I don’t cook. Even if I were to buy vegetables my mother would boil the crap out of them rather than steam them so they are healthier. I swear my mother got some Irish in her because she boils just about anything or fries it. She once boiled Roman lettuce. She said it was good. I took her word for it. But I don’t eat a lot of veggies. I mostly like pizza and burgers and the occasional Thai food that I buy. I also eat a lot of cereal. I find that it helps my appetite and keeps my weight down, which is good because I need to lose weight. I lost six pounds this month and I think it is because I have been eating cereal. I will occasionally make pancakes or fry an egg but I will have cereal mostly. That is the gist of my cooking skills. I tried to make Hawaiian chicken in the crock pot last week and it came out ok but the chicken was dry. I think I overcooked it.

So I have done nothing today. I haven’t looked at my book or any books today. I haven’t written in my journal. Just did nothing but stay in bed, when I wasn’t running to the bathroom.

why I drink

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I had a frustrating day today. I installed Dragon Naturally Speaking, older version, in my old laptop and tried to work with it. I am trying this software so that I can speak and not type but it hasn’t been that easy. I then get the newer version for my new laptop as it works faster and is lighter. I hope that I can use it but I don’t have the patience right now to install. If this works out, I will be so happy.

I had a difficult session with my therapist today. She wanted to know what was behind the drinking messages I have been sending her. But I couldn’t tell her the reason. I really don’t know why I feel the urge to drink but I do know how I cope with my father is by drinking. I have been doing that since I was a teen. I found my bottle of gin and soon as my father’s doctor calls me, I will have a few sips. I know my situation is precarious because I take pain medication, but I don’t care. I don’t know how else to cope other than to drink my problem away, though I know my father is still going to be there. I wish I could drink him away but I can’t. See, when my parents separated, my father would give us nips of alcohol. We were not even close to legal drinking age but that didn’t stop him. So we drank at an early age. My favorite nip was Beefeater gin. The nip wasn’t enough to get me drunk but did give me a buzz. My mother never knew otherwise I don’t think we (my sisters and I) would see my father.

I had a therapist tell me after the first time I ever got drunk that I was an alcoholic and should start attending AA meetings. Since then, whenever I drink I watch how much I drink. I can be a binge drinker when I want to be. But I know I am not an alcoholic because I drink so infrequently. Sure I will have my drink every now and then but that will be it. Now I just feel the need to drink because I am under a great deal of stress. And who knows, maybe it will help my pain or at least make me forget about it for a while.

So I am drinking because I lost my aunt, dealing with my childish father, and can’t cope with his medical stuff on top of my own. Where is that gin bottle?

rough patch

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up again before seven o’clock. This is getting so old. I know that if I had somewhere to go at that time, I would not be waking up so early. I made breakfast at eight and then I took some pain medication as my ankle was hurting. I then fell asleep for a few hours. I did not want to get up. I wanted to stay in bed but I had to get moving in order to get some journaling done before my pdoc appointment.

While I was there I was contacted by the editor of the AAS blog to see if I had any writing that I wanted to submit. I told her I would have something in a week. But it turns out it will be less than that as I worked on it on the train. Wrote about four pages between five stops on the Red Line. And I think it is pretty good. Now I just got to type it up and edit it. I wrote about chronic pain and suicide. I think it is an area that is often overlooked by people who attempt suicide. Course when I submit this, I don’t know when it will be published. But will let you know when I do.

My pdoc appointment went well. No med changes. Everything is status quo. I wonder why I bother going to see her. It just is annoying because I feel so frustrated that all she can do is support me right now because there isn’t a medication that will help me. Like this depression that I was in. Luckily I seem to be coming out of it as my thoughts are faster than they were. I can write without it being painful. If it was I would be complaining about it. But there would really be nothing she could do about it. I forgot to tell her about the increase in anxiety I have been having but did tell her I want to drink more. She didn’t like that but understood. And as long as I don’t go through with it, I think I will be ok. But it’s tough because I feel the need to do something. No, I don’t think alcohol will solve my problems but it might just help me get through this rough patch. I am not advocating for this to anyone. But for me, if it works, then so be it. I go through periods of drinking and then I stop so I am not worried about it.

I gave in to buying Dragon Naturally Speaking. I am hoping the software comes soon so I can “type” up the story I wrote by speaking it. I also bought a headphone set made specifically for speech but they had the wrong adapter. Instead of it being a “single-entry” it was a double entry. Meaning you needed two points, a mic jack and a speaker jack. My laptop just has one jack so I can’t use it. I can use it on my old laptop but then I wouldn’t need the new software because I have the older version of Dragon.

I got my mocha today and it didn’t give the jitters like I was thinking it would. I did have another hypoglycemic attack because I didn’t have lunch. I was starving by the time I got home so I had a cinnamon bun to tie me over until I made dinner. I swear sometimes I think it would be better if I was in the hospital so I didn’t forget to eat.