Tag: self harm

for want of a nap

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today is my down time day. I really just worked a little bit on my manuscript and then had to take a nap, except I didn’t fall asleep because I was friggen freezing in my room! I still got this damn cold that just won’t go away. Today I decided to increase my fluid intake because I think I was dehydrated. Dark urine is usually a good indicator. And now I am peeing my brains out. Every half hour I have to friggen pee. WTH!!

Bad news of today is that I really want to cut again. Not sure what triggered it as my manuscript was focused on my psychiatrist and there is nothing there that would make me want to cut. I guess I am just feeling annoyed and have to get rid of the feeling the only way I know how. But I have a possible wake/funeral to go to so I don’t want to be marking up my arm. I wrote my therapist another letter this morning as I was up at 0430. I was able to get back to sleep around six and sleep till ten so I was glad about that.

I really feel like I am losing my mind, or what is left of it anyways. A friend wanted to get together today but I told him I had stuff to do, family stuff. I was debating seeing my aunt who is really sick but seeing as I am sick, it probably would not be a good idea to see her. This is the second time in my life that she has been ill and I get a friggen cold and can’t see her. It’s just really tough. Plus, I don’t want my last memories of her to be sick. I heard she had a really hard time yesterday. I hope today is a better day for her.

I have been feeling really sad because I know my aunt is going to die soon. The hardest part is the waiting. They gave her 5-10 days to live because she is so sick. I hope that it is sooner just so my cousin (her daughter) doesn’t have to suffer longer than she has to watching her mother die. It has to be the toughest thing in the world to see. It just breaks my heart. I love them both so much. But my aunt has lived a long life. She is 91. My fondest memories of her is her always making food whenever we stopped by to see her. She would literally make us something and would get so mad if we didn’t eat it. Most of the time we almost always ate before coming to see her so we weren’t that hungry. But because she only speaks Italian, it was hard to explain to her why we didn’t want to eat. Or that we spent every holiday over her house growing up. After my parents divorced, we kind of were out of the loop about my family. My cousin had another baby and we didn’t even know about it. My other cousins had kids and we didn’t know about it until after the fact. These kids don’t know me and I find that sad.

Now if I could only take a nap I would be happy…

letters

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I just finished writing my therapist a letter. I have been writing her a letter since we began therapy. It’s a way to express myself and share my thought process about how I feel about things. She was commenting the other day as she told me that I am the only person that writes her anymore. Well if she had fricken email, I would email her, and more often. But she is not into technology so doesn’t do email. I even created her an email account but she doesn’t use it.

Today I babysat my niece for most of the day, which frustrated me. I wanted to work on my book but was too tired to bring it down with me. I was so sleepy. I know I should have made a cup of coffee but I was afraid of the jitters as I haven’t had coffee in a couple of days. My sister didn’t have tea and I didn’t feel like going up and down the stairs to my apartment. I hurt my ankle while reaching for a dish so that made me really stay at my sister’s apartment. My ankle still hurts if I move it the “wrong” way.

So I didn’t work on my book today. I really wanted to but I hate it when my routine gets interrupted. I was looking over the chapters and realized I have quite a lot. I think the book is going to be over 300 pages when it goes to print. I have never written anything that long before, but then the book is over 50,000 words. I hope this editor works out for me. I will be giving her my last payment at the end of the month. Then I think I will start saving some money. I really want to travel next year. My cousin is always asking me when I will be visiting him again and my friend in Texas always wants me to visit her. I am hoping with the sales of my book, I will be able to do this.

I didn’t do too much after I babysat. I tried to take a nap and think I succeeded. I had a weird dream about Taylor Swift. Don’t remember too much about it but I just know I dreamed about her. I don’t know why I have been having these weird dreams lately. My medication hasn’t changed so I am just left with these weird dreams that have no meaning or don’t make sense. I guess I could write my therapist another letter about the dream but sometimes I like to keep my dreams private.

My cuts that I made a week or so ago have healed. I can now wear short sleeved shirts again. I don’t even have a scar from the scratches I made. I am kind of disappointed.

similarities

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I just wrote up my journal entry from the other night and I can’t believe the similarities between my blog post “What I’ve Done” and the journal entry is. It is almost identical. my journal entry is a little more private but the thought process is the same. If you have already read my “what I’ve Done” post, there is no reason to read the password protected version. But if you do, send me a comment in this post and I will give it to you via email.