Tag: writing

Ramblings 66

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I finally changed my sheets today. After weeks of procrastinating, I finally mustered enough energy to clear my bed off and change them. I am wicked tired now. Every time I do this, I just need a nap afterwards. It just takes so much energy. Then I thought I lost the pillow cases. I tore my room apart trying to find them but they were outside my room. DUH. I forgot I put them there so I would know where they were. You know what they say when you put things somewhere…you always forget where you put them.

I just hope that I don’t forget where I put my therapist’s letters. I spent a lot of time on these letters. I don’t remember what I wrote about but there are four letters. I really can’t wait for her to come back. A lot has happened since she has been gone.

My eyes are still having the focusing problem. I am hoping I still have my insurance in May when I see the eye specialist. If I am on another insurance, I don’t think I will be able to see him. I know the focusing problem is because I am wicked tired and I am trying to focus on my writing/typing. But I can’t always take a nap when this happens and I don’t think that it is because of my migraines because I am not sick or have a headache like my other eye doctor has explained to me. I rather see the neuro-ophthalmologist and have him give me an answer, if there is one. My luck all the tests will be negative and they will just chuck it up to migraine activity. I am not wearing my glasses so I know that is part of the problem. Sometimes the glasses make things worse so it’s iffy.

For those that are interested, tonight there is going to be an interesting chat on Twitter regarding self harm behavior. It’s from 9 pm CST to 10 pm CST and the hashtag is #SPSM and the handle is @SPSMChat. The SPSM stands for suicide prevention/social media. It is the twitter handle of the American Association of Suicidology. I can’t wait to learn to see what it is about.

in hibernation mode

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Seems I have fallen into another depression. It came on early this week and yesterday I slept all day, all without the aid of any medication. Course I was up most of the night taking pain pill after pain pill because my ankle was so bad. It got me thinking that the pain I feel physically is sometimes almost as bad as what I feel emotionally.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday evening. I wish it wasn’t a late appointment but I have nothing better to do during these days. Sure I can work on my manuscript. I actually got a couple of good reviews on it so I was thrilled my book doesn’t suck. I repeat myself a couple of times and so I will let the editor pick it out and we can sort through whether or not to keep it. Some stuff I do want to repeat because I think it’s important. On a whim, I loaded the book on the site that I will be publishing from and found that I have several formatting errors. I am like WTF! I was very upset and it kept me up most of last night. I am not good with formats so I don’t know what I am going to do. Some of the stuff gets put onto another page, others are blank pages. It is a mess. I will sort it out when I get the energy. Right now I just can’t be bothered with it. But at least I have the template for the formatting. Once all the edits are done, I will load it back to the template and figure it out from there. It will make the production longer. But oh well.

I can’t seem to be motivated today to pick up my other manuscript on my short story. I was going to publish that first but it is too short. It has to be at least twenty-four pages and so far the story is only eight, with the format. I am almost out of my Starbucks funds so I don’t want to use them. I think I have enough funds to cover me for next week anyway. I see my Primary doc Tuesday and I really don’t care what he has to say at this point. Long as he gives me my prescription for pain meds, he can say what he wants. I am not seeing another doctor for this problem. It’s like seeing a lot of doctors for my depression. They all are going to give me a diagnosis for depression so why bother seeing them. I sleep a lot, I have no energy, I eat less but don’t seem to lose weight, I lose interest in things that used to interest me. I have no sexual desire at all but then I am single so what difference does that make? I just am in hibernation mode or something. Yesterday all I had to eat was pancakes before I slept all day. I didn’t even go to the bathroom because I didn’t drink at all while I slept. I’m starting to think that my kidneys are shutting down because I am not drinking enough. Least that is my paranoia. But most doctors if they are trained in psychiatry will call this a depression. They may give me something for it but I am past that stage. No antidepressant out there is helpful for me anymore. I have been through them all. Now it’s just supportive care to get through them and it sucks. I wish I sometimes had the creative hypomanias but they are too far in between episodes. I can’t recall the last time I had an episode, it was that long ago. I get them so infrequently I don’t know why I am labeled as a Bipolar. Schizoaffective maybe, but I don’t really think I can be called bipolar.

I am tired. I have been meaning to take a nap for the last couple of hours and I have failed. I ended up watching videos on YouTube. I guess it is for the better, so that I am not waking up at three in the morning.

just the beginning

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I did it. I made it to 3000 words on my short story that I am hoping to publish before my book. I have been working on it slowly as this depression just sucks. Words don’t flow the way they used to. Thinks are slower. My brain moves slower. When other people used to describe this, I thought thank god I don’t have that problem but now I do. I guess it’s because I am a writer that I notice it more? I don’t know. It is just so frustrating. It is literally like extracting teeth or something. I just find it awful to go through this.

I took the Remeron last night in the hopes of sleeping till eight. No such luck. I slept till six. And there was no way I was starting my day at six with my father’s doctor’s appointment at one. That would cause me too much anxiety. So I took some Ativan and slept till eight. I made my breakfast as I was starving and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I took a draining shower that sucked all the energy from me. I swear if I didn’t have to go out, I would have put my PJs back on and gone right to bed. I was completely worn out. JUST FROM TAKING A SHOWER!! I was really pissed. But I waited until I cooled off, then put some clothes on and caught the next bus. I went to Starbucks and had a latte. Then I got hungry so I got something to eat. I knew it would be awhile till I ate next. Went to the hospital early and waited for my father. The appointment went fast. There were no new developments, other than the abdominal fluids. But I was shocked to learn he still had cancer all this time. I thought the tumors were gone and he was cancer free. Not fucking so. I hate these doctors but they are the best in the field of GI cancers so I can’t really drop them.

Now I have the task of relaying all this information to my family members, immediate and not so immediate. I really don’t want to tell my cousin. She is a little hot headed but I know if I don’t tell her, the next time she sees me she might cause a scene. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what she knows. I don’t want to say the C word if she doesn’t know my father had C to begin with. UGH I am so stressed out and this is just the beginning.

I am just exhausted. I am also anxious. I don’t have a great relationship with my father but I still care for him on a humanitarian level, otherwise I doubt I would care at all. Maybe one blog I will divulge the family secrets but not today. Dealing with him while he is sick is one thing I can’t stand to see as he has always been so healthy. He hasn’t been a health freak or anything of the nature but his genes has long lines. But I don’t want to lose him. I may think of him as a sperm donor at times, but he is still my father none the less.

I hope to talk to a blogger friend tonight. Our chats are really random but she makes me laugh and we forget about life for a while, which I think is good for both of us. I sure can use it tonight.

sleepy

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I had a terrible day. Most of it was with side effects from the abilify. I have been feeling like a rubber ball being stretched out. I had to take some Ativan to quiet this down and that made me sleepy. So I have not done any work today. I woke up around three o’clock. I made something to eat and then my mother made the worse meatloaf in history. It was terrible. I could only eat a few pieces and then left it. It had no form. I don’t know what she missed making while making it but I would have liked just a hamburger instead of that slop.

I feel lousy for some reason. I am really cold. I usually am never cold unless I am sick or the temp in my room is below 50 degrees. Seeing as it could be either making me cold, I say it is because of the temp. We had more snow today, at least four inches, if not more. They haven’t plowed yet and I am glad I didn’t go out like I had wanted to. I hope it is all cleared up by tomorrow as I need to go into town for my father’s doc appointment. I have been a bundle of nerves so have been taking extra Ativan, which is also why I have been so sleepy. I could go back to sleep right now if I let myself. I really don’t want to go to my father’s appointment but someone has to. I know my sister is off of work and I hope she doesn’t want to go. She will want to drive and it will drive me crazy because there is a shit load of traffic around the hospital that time of day. We are seeing the doc in the late afternoon so I know how crazy it gets around the hospital because I used to work there.

I really should take a shower. Maybe it will warm me up. But I really don’t feel like going downstairs again, unless I have to go pee. I have been drinking a lot of fluid today so should be soon that I will have to go. Might as well kill two birds with one stone. My ankle isn’t hurting too much today so I think I can chance a shower.

I tried working on my “darkness” story but didn’t get as far as I wanted to. I want to get to around 4000 words. But it’s hard writing as I have to be in the “darkness” space. I can be depressed and write but it’s just too much. I know I am depressed now because my thinking is slower than it usually is. Even when I am writing my therapist her letters the words don’t flow off the page like they normally do. I think I need an antidepressant. But what? I might as my pdoc to put me back on Remeron. That helped with my sleep and lifted my mood for a bit. Maybe I will take some tonight as I have a few pills left to see if it will do anything. Might help get me out of this slump that I am in. Thing is, I have been feeling tired all the time so not sure it will help with that. I can’t remember a time when I woke up feeling rested, even when I do wake up in the early morning hours. It just sucks.