Tag: writing

the waiting game

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I slept for about six hours before I woke up again to pain. I took some more meds and went back to sleep a few hours later. I don’t know why it took almost two hours for it to work. Usually within an hour I am zonked. Anyways, I am still hurting and swollen but not as much as it was last night. I am kind of in a pissed/depressed mood because I can’t go anywhere. I just came back from going to Walgreens and think that was too much.

A friend of mine called yesterday to invite me to dinner Monday night but I don’t think I will be able to make it if my foot is not better. I won’t put myself in the position of not being able to walk the distance I have to. Plus Monday I need to go with my father to get his blood work done again. They need to repeat some values as his liver function is compromised. I won’t go into detail as to why.

I really wanted to get my hair cut today but there is no way I can walk down the street. Just going to the store has caused me tremendous pain. I don’t see my primary until next Friday. I hope that this clears up by then, whatever it is.

When I did wake up later this afternoon, I woke up feeling dizzy. I thought it was because I had not eaten or drank anything all day so had something to eat and drink. Didn’t help. I think I might go back to bed. I don’t know why I feel like I am hung over. I think it might just be that I am dehydrated and once I drink some water, I will be ok. I really need to stay off my foot. This so sucks. I mean normally my foot always hurts but this is different. It feels like I am stepping on something but it could just be that my foot is so swollen that is what I am stepping on. It’s just so frustrating. And because my foot has nerve damage, I can’t decipher what is really going on with my foot. There is no break in the skin, I didn’t bang it, nor did I do anything out of the ordinary to cause this. It might have been that I stepped wrong when I took my little tumble on the stairs on Monday but I mostly banged my hip. But I am going to just treat it like a sprain and just ice and elevate it.

I still have my stupid menses. This is going on three weeks now. I am just so frustrated and pissed off. Sadly there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run its course. I stopped taking the pill this week hoping that would speed things up but it hasn’t. I am hoping it goes away in the next few days because I am planning on restarting the pill on Sunday.

I made a couple of web appointments for ophthalmology. Funny thing is they wanted you to pick a doctor but how can you pick a doctor when you don’t know any of them?? So I picked one out of the twenty or so and hope that it is the one that can figure out my problem. Now I just have to wait for the office to call me back. I hate the waiting game.

Christmas Day 2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Christmas Day 2013

Today was not a great day. Sure I got material things and spent time with my family. That part was good. But I stood too long between making squash last night and today. I am trying my best not to panic because I can’t move my toes on my bad foot. It is very swollen and hurts really bad. I know that is the reason why I can’t move my toes rather than a disc problem. But telling my panic system that has been, so far, difficult to do.

I also did a lot of stair climbing between yesterday and today, more so today than yesterday. Taking the fall the other day didn’t help and I am now wondering if I somehow hurt the bottom of my foot. All I know is that my foot hurts from the bottom through the top of my foot. Surprisingly, my ankle hasn’t joined in the fun so I am guessing, I probably hurt my foot. My sister tried looking at it. She barely touched me and I was in agony. So something is going on, I just don’t know what. My sis advised me to see a foot doctor. I think I might have to in the New Year. I just hope the copay isn’t fricken $40 because he is out of network. I would see someone at my former place of employment that would be “in-network” but the doctors there are morons. I have yet to find a good doctor there other than for psychiatry and primary care. And this place is in the top ten for best hospitals in the US.

My friend in SA is doing ok despite being a quad. He hates it but knows that it is temporary. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Sure I can imagine it but to really know what it feels like, it is out of my league. But I can empathize with him. And be understanding.

I got Red Sox stuff for Christmas. I don’t know why that is as I am not a fan or anything (said with extreme sarcasm). No matter what, nothing is going to top this year’s World Series Championship. From last place to first is pretty special. And to win three times in a decade is awesome too. I am so proud of my sox.

I have been feeling blue most of the day. I guess the hyper stuff has gone away, least for now. I know I am down because I miss my family members that are no longer with me. I miss my uncles that have passed and seeing their wives, my aunts. My father only has three surviving family members. I just realized that one of my uncles passed away longer than I thought. I didn’t go to his wake or funeral. I just couldn’t bare it. I never really grieved for him. He was the uncle I wanted to marry when I was five. But I couldn’t because my aunt (his wife) would be very upset. I kind of hated my aunt, at the time, because of this. But I got over it. He still was a good uncle. Every Christmas he played Santa, least until he got very sick. He had kidney disease because of hypertension (high blood pressure). He died of kidney failure. Not a pleasant experience. When I was working in dialysis with my research studies, I always thought of him. My aunt (his wife) now has dementia pretty bad. She doesn’t always know when my father calls or knows who she is talking to. But then it runs in the family. My father is starting to lose it. But then my aunts are 89 and 92 and my father is 81. Pretty old! My favorite uncle died when he was 86. I miss him very much. He could have played Santa as he always had a big belly. We used to joke about it with him and he would laugh. Funny how you miss someone when they are really gone. You wish you had more time with them. I remember seeing him the day before he died. He had a stroke and was paralyzed on one side. He was in a coma and only survived for one day. He took another stroke the next day and that killed him. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it has been seven years now. He died the year I had my second diagnosis of CES and I was only weeks post op.

I also have been thinking of my little cousin that is in the Marines. He obviously isn’t so little if he in the military but he is the youngest son of my 1st cousin. I hear that the Marines are really pushing a battle in afghan where is now stationed so I am worried. I sent him a Christmas card. I do hope that he is ok and makes it home safely.

night time blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Night time blog

I did nothing for my birthday. I stayed home listening to the rain fall and watched TV. My family came over and we had some laughs and some cake. I didn’t shower like I wanted to. I fell down the stairs and it kind of wiped out anything else that I was going to do. I am hurting and it’s worse now standing for even a few minutes. I will probably shower tomorrow.

I got a lot of presents that were just for my birthday, not Christmas like it usually goes. My Aunt gave me a Euro in a necklace that nearly choked me because the chain was too small. I like it but the chain didn’t fit right and was aggravating me the whole time I was wearing it. I usually to not wear necklaces. I will wear my Claddaugh ring, but that is only because I lost my high and junior high rings. Our middle school gave out rings because most of the graduates never finish high school. My starting freshman year was about 250 kids. Only about 150 graduated. Granted some had transferred to other schools (like my sister and a couple of my friends moved out of town) but the majority either dropped out because it was too hard or because they got pregnant. One of my friends didn’t graduate because she just couldn’t keep up with school work.

I edited my book for hopefully the last time before the editor sees it. I put in the indents in the paragraphs. I was reading it as I was going along, well, maybe not reading, skimming. And it still gives me chills on certain parts of the book. I know that part of it is because the book is so personal. I talk about every aspect of my life that has to do with my suicidality and the road to seeing therapists and psychiatrists. It was not an easy book to write. I do hope that someone can relate to some of the things I write in it. I know the title alone is a paragraph but I had to get CES into the title. There are no other books out there that deal with Cauda Equina Syndrome, not in the personal sense. People need to know about this syndrome because not all back pain is the same. And back pain can progress to CES if not taken cared of properly or if further injury makes it worse. I try to cover all aspects of getting CES in the book but I am not everyone. What happened to me, might not happen the same way to another person, even if we both had the same disc problem. CES is tricky to understand and most doctors do not know how to treat it, if they are able to recognize it in the first place. And this goes to radiologists too because they are the ones that interpret your MRI’s. They call something wrong because they haven’t seen it and you are fucked.

So this is how my day was. Nothing interesting. Except for the fall down a few steps. OUCH!

beginning of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I just woke up about a half hour ago. I feel like I am a stretched out elastic. I took some meds as it is side effects from my anti-psychotic. I just cannot deal with this so have decided not to take my meds tonight. I am skipping the week of BCP because I still have my menses and don’t know when they are going to end.

My pdoc says that I needs to see an Ophthalmologist because I have been having problems with my vision lately. I guess it will be a good idea as I have not been to the eye doc in more than a year now. But I hope that it is just because my eyes are tired and can’t focus and not some other reason. I dealt with eye issues a few years ago and it was not fun. I swear all the lights they were sticking in my eyes caused a migraine and I was miserable for the rest of the day.

It feels weird not being able to work on my book. I know I am done and everything. I got to print out the book for one last time and see how it all comes together. It will be good to have a final manuscript anyways. I just hope my editor will be good. Don’t know if I said this before, but she mostly has been working on fiction and romance novels, neither of which is my story. I have the second payment into her this week, tomorrow actually. I just worry and I know I shouldn’t. How hard can it be to edit a biographical account? Least with her other editing projects, I know she has experience editing.

Today is my birthday. I don’t know what I will be doing today. I probably will get out of the house and get some coffee. I need it. It is going to be a weird week as I am not talking to my therapist as she is on vacation. Phone is going to be more silent than usual. My mother has a party for me but no one has given me the details about when to show up. Typical. I think I will just stay in my room and when they call, I will just say well you should have told me. I remember last year this time I was sick. I had a nasty cold that took all the life energy from me. Think it lasted until the New Year. So I briefly made an appearance and then went back to bed.

I hate my birthday. I don’t mind celebrating other people’s birthdays but I hate celebrating my own. I always get screwed because my day is close to Christmas. This year is the second year since being out of work. I just find it depressing, really depressing. And this year I wanted to be in the ground. I guess i have been wanting to be in the ground since I was 10. Almost thirty years of fighting this bullshit depression. And I still wonder why I am still here.