Ramblings 34

Ramblings 34

I have been thinking about what to write about all day and nothing has come to me. I needed a break from working on my book so I left that out today. I had my coffee and went out finally. It was to the bank and Walgreens. I really didn’t need anything at Walgreens but I wanted something so I got some juice and a soda. Boring I know. I felt like getting some chips but my middle doesn’t need them.

I went over some of my posts that I wrote as papers and placed copyright in the last line so no one can scoop it like they did my comparison paper. That was the first paper I put copyright. I don’t know if it makes a difference in the internet world as people can still cut and past text.

My therapist changed times on me today for some reason. Instead of meeting at 13:30 I am now meeting her at 1800. I am sure I will find out why she had to change later as she gave me a free “get of out jail card”, which means I can cancel an appointment less than 24 hrs and not get penalized for it. But knowing her, there has to be a sufficient reason for me cancelling.

There is another snow storm coming in my area tonight. It is supposed to start after 2300. My leg is already giving me hints as to how bad it is going to be. But at least my back isn’t hurting me, yet.

I have been feeling ok today. I hope that doesn’t change after I talk with my therapist tonight. Sometimes she can stir some stuff up. This week I have three appointments with her, plus group therapy on Wednesday. OH JOY. Seems my life right now focuses on my therapy rather than anything else. I guess that is a good thing as I can work on things that I couldn’t before because they were too loaded. I am working on the transgender stuff but it’s tough. It activates my suicidality and sends me into a tailspin. And once I am there it is hard to get out of there. Like this weekend when I felt like a worthless burden on people and that I would be better off dead. I don’t always feel this way but when I do, all I want to do is die. And I plan my death because it is the only thing that helps me cope with my feelings. I know it sounds crazy, but thinking of death and planning has been shown to ease the anxiety in suicidality. It’s more of a fantasy that you think in your head and it somehow calms you down. No one knows why this happens but for me it has worked and I find that I am less apt to actually go through with it because my perturbation has been decreased.