I had to take four buses today to vote for the Mass Senate election today. It would have been five had my cousin not dropped me off at Starbucks first. And it is hot and muggy out. I thought I was going to fry while waiting for my third bus.
UGH, Just got a text from my baseball network tweets that my favorite infielder is going to AAA and another infielder that I never heard of is taking his place. Took me I don’t know how many scrolls to figure out that this guy was an infielder because in the tweet that I got, it also listed the backup catcher on the 60-day disabled list. I wasn’t sure if we got another catcher or infielder. Wish they would be more clear but I understand that you have only so many letters to tweet.
I have a week off of therapy. I am glad as yesterday’s session annoyed me. She was the inquisitor asking me fifty million questions ranging from how I am doing to how I was feeling to when my next appointment was with my primary. I felt like I was getting drilled. And then we talked more about my suicidal plan. Today she wanted to know what I wanted to talk about but I had no clue. We tried to keep it light but it ended up going over to the dark side for a bit. She still insists that I cannot kill myself in the month of August and September. And I am like, the other months are ok? Killing myself in December would be ok? I just don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if I really want to kill myself. I haven’t been in intense pain for the past couple of weeks. We also talked about pain, but she kept referring to psychache and I was talking about my physical. Talk about being on opposite sides. On the other hand I could just kill myself because I can. I am just so torn. If I continue to live, would it be okay for me to do so? I know that might be a silly question, but given on hell bent I am/was on killing myself, wouldn’t I go against my own personal principles? Not like there is a law that says I have to. No one can really order me to kill myself (other than perhaps the voices in my head, which they have done before). Only I can make or break that decision. I guess since I have been feeling a little bit better, the land of the living seems ok, for now. But I also brought up the point that if I am in the throws of a flare up, I would be wishing for death and then feel a betrayal to myself for not following through.
In the midst of this, I have been reading Lincoln’s Melancholy. Lincoln has to be the my most favorite person in the world. I know he lived more than 160 yrs before I was born, before the time of even recognizing mental illness for what it is now. He suffered through I don’t know how many major depressive episodes and somehow got through them without killing himself. He once said during his first presidency, that he would have killed himself but what kind of message would that bring to the southern states? I have always admired him. He is the true staple of what resiliency is.
During our discussion in therapy, I brought up my scars on my wrist. My therapist said that I would get through this time like I have in the past, like my scars tell me. She kept on telling me that was what I wrote. At first I had no idea what she was talking about until I figured out it was this blog she was referring to. I forgot that I sent it to her. My mind is like a sieve. Soon as things filter their way through, I forget I did them. I probably won’t remember half of what I am writing here today. I guess it is a way for my head to get rid of what I am feeling in that moment.
I am eight hundred views shy of reaching ten thousand views. If I reach it before July 18th, that will be awesome. That is the start of my blog. Hard to believe my blog will be a year old. I just got five new followers within the last twenty-four hours. I surpassed two hundred. I would call my blog successful, I guess. But then I don’t know how my blog fairs with say the new AAS blog. I am sure they have more readers than I do, but I do get some filtering in when I post there or when someone reads the “who we are” page. I have fun writing for them.
midnightdemons7 