hard day

I have been having a bad day. I am still in a lot of pain with my ankle. I didn’t get to sleep till after one in the morning and then my phone kept on going off. Some idiot that is an unknown number calls me at 08:40 every single morning. And then will call me an hour or two later. I was too lazy to turn over and shut my sound off. I got up around eleven and took some pain meds and I was completely gone for the day, as what usually happens when I take my pain meds during the day. Funny now that I think about it, this same reaction doesn’t happen at night. I don’t understand why as I am taking the same dose. Weird.

Because my writing partner has taken today off, I decided I would too. It is a holiday after all. And my pain is making it impossible to think anyways.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am sort of looking forward to it. I really just want to spend the day sleeping like I did today. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. It is too fricken muggy and hot in the house to do anything and I stay in my room anyways. I do need to go out. I need to get some half and half for my coffee. I didn’t have any coffee today because I didn’t want it. I can go days without coffee. I like having it but it’s not a necessity. Some days I wake up and feel the need to have it.

Last night I was listening to Luke Bryan’s CD for most of the night. I found that I couldn’t turn it off and it wasn’t until I got really sleepy did I shut it off. They say that music can be addicting and I think I am addicted. I have to listen to music everyday. It doesn’t matter what I listen to. Right now it’s Luke but that might change over the next few days and I will go back to my mixed playlist.

I had a real hard time last night as the pain was driving me nuts. I wrote a second blog that turned into an email. I sent it to my support group. I just got belittled. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings. I was in a very vulnerable state. Some did validate it but some didn’t. Then I found myself getting angry. And I had no idea why I was seeing red. I don’t know why I was getting so upset. These people know what I am going through because they have been there. So I have no idea why I was getting so angry. I still am kind of angry and want to just go off. I think I am just displacing my anger at myself to them. I just felt really bad that I couldn’t go out to see my friend last night because I was in such horrid pain. I sent him an email and then I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying for almost an hour. I never cry. But I just had this overwhelming sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t control. Sadness that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer the person that could do everything and it hurt. I wanted to do so much yesterday and could only do two things. I ran out of spoons. And I found it hard to live with that.