I got a scare this morning when the day shift staff kept on telling me i was gong to get discharged. After the bad weekend I had, I didn’t feel comfortable being let go today. I think it was just too soon. When I talked with my team, they agreed and I will be here another few days. I feel a little bit safer knowing that I am not being let go against my will.
My voice that I always talk to has come back. She was missing a little bit in action last night. I felt so lost without her. I have heard this voice for so long she is part of my thought process. I am not able to read or write without it.
I am feeling a little less paranoid now than I have in the few days. The perphenazine (trilafon) is working for me but it is knocking out all my voices. I hate that because it disrupts my thinking process and makes me more paranoid. I am hoping not to stay on a long term of this medication, I think once I get used to it, it might lessen things up.
I got my first suicidal impulses last night. I thought they were gone for a while because it has been almost three weeks since I have thoughts of killing myself, well active thoughts, not just passive thoughts. I really feel like I can live and have things go on the way they have been going and I am ok with it. I guess MLG’s letting it go has really helped me to let things go. I find that i am worrying less about things and she is not in the least mad at me that I am not writing about the project. She just wants me to get well. She sent me a nice email last night about how she thinks this could be a grief reaction to something regarding my transgender identity. She could be right but I am going through so much grief in other areas of my life that it is really hard to point to just one thing that has caused this psychotic break that I am experiencing.
Just for fun, I did four minutes on the exercise bike just to do something. I thought I was ok but my ankle is now hurting me more than anything. I am walking around with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic) on the unit just to give me extra support and to ease the pain as they are not giving my pain meds like I take them at home.
I just talked with my therapist and it was so good to hear her voice. I told her all my voices have been wiped out and am finding it hard to think. She felt relieved but is a little worried that I might not be functional.
Group is starting soon so I will stop here for now. If I am able to post later I will.
midnightdemons7 