I can’t win and I am tired of losing

Warning this post is really cynical and sarcastic

I have been staring at the blinking cursor for some time now. It has been taunting me with something to write. So here it is:

I had my useless monthly meeting with my PCP for my pain management. He wants me to lose weight and try a cortisone shot. Neither of which is going to happen. One, cortisone actually does more damage than it helps and second I think I might try starving myself as that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. I just texted my therapist that I will be an anorexic by Christmas. I am sure we will talk about it tomorrow if I feel like answering the phone. I love how my PCP conveniently always forgets that I have nerve damage in that foot. That is why I have a tendonitis that won’t go away. That is why I am in pain every fricken night or worse, wakes me from a sound sleep. I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in almost two weeks. Granted I don’t have much to do at any given day so I can take a nap during the but then it further fucks with the sleep cycle. I can’t win and I am so tired of losing.

I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two appointments by phone and then that is all for the rest of the week. I will start my starvation after Thanksgiving because no use having my mother’s turkey go to waste. I am not going out for coffee. I am just going to stay at home and stay in bed all day or much of the day as possible.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. The ideas were vague but it had something to do with telling a story about being suicidal and how the therapist and client deal with it without resorting to the hospital. If I can get my thoughts together I know this paper will be brilliant.

I didn’t do any editing today. I purposely left the material at home. I don’t want to touch it because I am still in a foul mood, made worse by my PCP and some idiot who really thinks I can starve myself, because yea it is so easy to do. FUCKING MORON. Thanks for the support.

Talking with my therapist today didn’t go good nor bad so I don’t know what to make of it. She kept talking about the blog where I was writing about my suicide attempt when I was sixteen. I honestly don’t even remember sending it to her. It must have been a drunk text. I was drinking during one of the times last week. I would have drank last night but I don’t remember what I did with my bottle. I really want to finish off the bottle. But all in good time.