Literally spent the day in bed. I was so tired that I couldn’t be bothered getting out. I woke up with pain again, took my pain meds, and it was lights out. My mother woke me up to say dinner was ready and I just had it now. I hate it when I have days like today where all I want to do is stay and bed and do it. Tomorrow I have to get some editing done as I didn’t get any done today. I didn’t even so much as read. I played on the computer for a little while this morning after having breakfast and then it was lights out. I hope this doesn’t disrupt my sleeping pattern. I was really getting some sleep with me adding the remeron to my regimen. If I am able to get some good sleep tonight, I will ask my pdoc to write a script for it so I can get some decent sleep. I find that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night like I did without taking it.
My biggest thing that I had to do today was take a shower, which I still have not done yet. Last time I showered was I think Sunday. So yes, I am pretty gross right now and smell so rosey, not. I was trying to see if my family members would notice if I didn’t shower or anything and no one did. I wasn’t expecting them to.
I started to re-read Touched with Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison. I finally found the entry I have been looking for regarding Edgar Allan Poe’s letter. I have it practically memorized. It is a good account of what it is like living with a torturous depression such as lucky me, I have. And what makes me all the more special is there isn’t a medication I can take to control all the symptoms. It sucks. I don’t know why I bother taking my mood stabilizer sometimes because I still feel like shit. But I know that if I am feeling like shit now and I stop taking it, I am going to be beyond shit.
One of the other books that I dug out from my stash was Paul Quinnet’s book Suicide the Forever Decision. I have not read that book in years. I have to say it is one of the well known books and it is free online in PDF form if you want it here. When I met him last year at the AAS conference, BOY is he fricken tall. I am like 5 feet tall. He is like at least 6 feet 2 inches. The picture that someone took for me is unreal. It looks like I am next to a giant. If I was good with media, I would place the pic in this blog but I don’t know how to do that. Anyways, when I was talking with him, he was trying to get the book on kindle for free. It’s not yet, but it is a low $2.99 (USD). But go on the website and get yourself a free copy of it. I printed it out and have it in a binder because I forgot where my copy was. It’s not the original that I had because the spine is fairly new. My copy would have been a dead spine. I have read that book so often. It really helped me when I was a teenager and it still helps me today.
You can say that I didn’t have time for suicidal thoughts today. I was too sleepy and drugged to be suicidal. I wish my pain was gone so that I didn’t have to think about what lies ahead for me with it.
The next few months are going to be hard for me financially. I am going to try and save some money so that I can pay the editor to edit my book. Thing is, I have to wait until fricken March for her to take my book. I don’t know if I can wait that long to have my book just sitting on a hard drive. I do hope by then I can have some people read it and tell me it is a good book or if changes need to be made. I might have to ask the people in my support group to help. I just need one or two or three people to look the book over and see if there are things that I missed or don’t make sense. But these people would be someone I have to trust and be able to work on my book without backing out of the commitment. And I know some of the member deal with pain all the time and would really be a challenge for them to read a book in a selected time frame. But I still have lots to do before I get there because I still have no table of contents or introductory passage or a solid ending. The ending that I had, I had to take out because it wasn’t kosher (long story).
I hope I am not getting sick. My throat has been hurting me for most of the day. I hope it isn’t that same virus that I got a few months ago. That was horrible. I couldn’t swallow for almost two weeks. And I really don’t want to be sick for Thanksgiving.
midnightdemons7 