Had a horrible day. Spent the entire late morning/afternoon at the hospital with my dad. They still have no idea what is wrong with him and it is starting to piss me off. I feel like my father is living my life in the “I don’t know what is wrong with you” circle. He had some scans done and we will be back next week to find out the results of those scans. Just lovely. Another day of boredom. I will be bringing my laptop and my manuscript so I will have something to work on while waiting for the doc.
I got to talk to my cousin today. Found out my aunt’s wake is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. Not looking forward to it but you have to show up and pay respect and say goodbye. It’s going to be a sad day for me.
I am pretty exhausted from today and in pain. I was in pain most of the day yesterday so all I did was sleep most of the day and then be up most of the night. I rather sleep during the day and be up all night. I miss working second shift. It was the perfect balance of not being a day person and being a night person.
I talked with my therapist for the last time this week and she is on vacation next week because it’s school vacation. We talked about my book and how it is affecting me and then she wanted to know more about the voices and I flipped out a little. I couldn’t tell her but did tell her that the voice I hear is actually her, well, not really her but her persona or something. I can’t explain it. It is just something that happens to me. I hear a voice and it will get stuck in my head and start talking to me is the best way to put it. That is why sometimes songs get their go around in my head and I can’t stop it unless I take medication. I had this one voice last summer that just wanted to talk to me at night, just before sleeping. And boy, was she demanding. I would nod off and she would get all offended. And the more sleepy I was, the more she would ask questions! So annoying! I am glad she is gone and hope she doesn’t come back!
I have to get dressed up tomorrow. I hate getting dressed up. I don’t have clothes that fit me anymore except for one pair of pants. And it is going to be cold so I have to wear a long sleeved shirt, which because I gained weight, I have only one that fits. If I didn’t have breasts, I would be fine. Things would fit nicely. Pisses me off that I have them. But then I will never be a “guy”. Just in my head I will be one. To the rest of the world I am a FEMALE, like it says on my medicare card I got the other day. How degrading. I could have killed myself over it. But I guess I am getting better at living this double life, even if it is painful. I recently heard that Facebook has changed gender roles. I wonder what that is about. I haven’t looked at it because in my mind you are either a female or a male. I am a male, but in a female’s body. So, yea, I kind of get the confusion. UGH. This sucks. If only we were to choose what we wanted to be at the age of five none of this identity confusion would exist. Just because you are born one way doesn’t mean you are truly that way. Now I feel suicidal because I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself. I am despicable.
midnightdemons7 