Dreary Day

Dreary Day

It might be 90 degrees outside or hotter, but inside there is nothing but gray skies. My therapist talked me out of killing myself for today. But that is only a deterrent. She said I could put if off till tomorrow. I doubt it. I wasn’t in a talkative mood when I was speaking with her. I had just woken up, haven’t had my coffee, and here she is rambling about what my plans are. I told her today would be perfect. No one would be home. Until it was too late. By then I would be dead and wouldn’t care who saw me.

I took some Ativan to get some sleep. It’s already starting to kick in because I am sleepy anyways. I just can’t stay awake. I wish I took something that sedating but I didn’t. I think I am just tired of being in pain all the time. Even as I am typing this, my ankle is roaring its head. I also took some of my pain medication to quiet it down. I should drink some gin to make the drugs work faster but that might be seen as a real suicide attempt and that is not what it is. I promised my therapist I wouldn’t do any self-harming until we talked tomorrow. The nitwit also has me in the books for Thursday. Oh joy, I get to talk to her 4 times this week all at noon, which is not my best state to talk to people.

I tried canceling on her but she refuses to do so. I hate her. I really want a day without therapy this week. I don’t think that is too much to ask for. So what if I am suicidal.

I still have to figure out how I am going to get my abilify for the month. I am skipping this week to make it last longer but eventually, I will need a refill. But I don’t have the money for it. I am so sick of being broke. And I am supposed to meet up with someone this weekend and I hope we don’t go out to eat some place because I am broke. I shouldn’t have bought more books but I did. I found that I can sell them with my signature and people actually want them more than the regular non-signed ones. So if you would like a signed copy of my book, let me know in the comments and we can work out the details.

I don’t know if I really want to die. I know that I don’t want to live. It’s hard living in a lot of physical pain, every day. I have been in pain for three straight weeks now. And it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, my foot or ankle flairs up and then I am done for the day. I think it is because I go down the stairs too much during the day and my foot doesn’t like it.

I really want to get to a pool this summer. I just hope I have swimming trunks that fit. I lot a bit of weight and the ones I had last year were too loose. I am sure they are not going to fit me this year because I lost even more weight. We’ll see. If I ever get the energy to actually go to the pool. I hate basking in the sun. I won’t stay very long. And I definitely won’t be there if it is crowded. I can’t stand crowds.