Suicide is painless
I wish that statement were true. It would make my suicide planning that much easier. I have decided to end things this weekend. I don’t know if I will go through with it or if my pesky therapist will intervene and have me hospitalized. She is going to call my pdoc and tell her I am suicidal. I have been upfront with my pdoc all week. She knows the ups and downs I have been having. But she doesn’t know that this weekend will hopefully be my last. I am tired of living in pain.
I am thinking of all that I have to do. I need to write letters and leave instructions. I hope to mail out the books for my review. Kind of sad that I wrote a book about being an attempt survivor and then I kill myself. But I can’t worry about that now. I have decided to let my friend be the person to do the informing. To call my therapist and let her know I am gone. I tried telling her that today but she was so stubborn she didn’t want to hear it. Idiot. I will leave notes for my family. I know it is going to be rough for them. But I am tired of suffering all the time. I am tired of being suicidal and not acting on it. I just hope I can fool my pdoc Friday enough to get by so that I can do the deed this weekend.
I am so in the pit of depression, the familiar abyss. I still haven’t decided on a method to end my life. That is one of the problems with depression, you can’t decide things easily when you are faced with many choices.
I hope to be cremated as that is the cheapest and I want my ashes spread over my childhood place where all my thoughts went by Chelsea Creek. I hope my family carries out my wishes.
My therapist and pdoc are not to blame for this. I am a hopeless case. I am worthless and meaningless. It bothers me that I have known these people for more than a decade and I still am suicidal. I haven’t changed, I guess. Once you are suicidal, you always will be suicidal.
A cousin of mine from Virginia sent me an email today. He said he couldn’t understand why I think about suicide. And in response to that, I can’t think of why he values life. I just don’t understand why people want to live. There were two suicides today. One on the East coast and one on the West coast. The east coast had a jumper from a bridge. The west coast had a person who jumped in front of a train. I am sure there were other suicides today but those are the ones I know I about. Two random people lost their lives today and I am happy for them because I know they are no longer suffering. And soon, I won’t be suffering neither.
midnightdemons7 
I’m glad you are getting help. If you ever need anything, talk to me, Okay?
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Thank you everyone that has responded. I am feeling better about the situation. I see my pdoc tomorrow and hopefully I can start an antidepressant or something to help lift this cloud that I am under. thanks.
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Thank you for your response. I am feeling better since last night, I get horrible depression after sundown and write things about death. I may not be 100% better but I don’t feel like killing myself. Thank you for your support and I will check out your blog.
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Darling, you are 100% not worthless and meaningless. I value you so much, one suffering human being to another. I know it’s hard to imagine how people could value life and look at it so optimistically, because I was and really still am in the same position as you. Every day is a fight to find reasons to stay alive and not give up. It’s hard, it really is, and I’m not going to tell you to ‘be positive’ or anything useless along the lines of that, because really, life is such a shitstorm, no doubt about it. But something that is helping me get through it is to just distract myself and don’t let myself think too much about the shitty things in my life, because the more I dwell on it, the more appeal suicide/self destructive behaviours have. If suicidal thoughts appear, it is okay to acknowledge them, but then you have to find a way to let them go. Visualize the thoughts sweeping over you like a cloud, but then passing by you and then disappearing. Your suffering is valid and it hurts, but please don’t let it win and have it destroy you. Keep fighting!
Sending love your way ❤
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http://essaysbykaatje.wordpress.com/
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I was hospitalized for cauda equina syndrome, following a near fatal skydive when my parachute did not open. I fractured my entire sacrum which was like dust, so you know the kind of pain I am in but which I cannot describe to most people, it is simply unfathomable. It has been 20 years and I have seen major ups and downs since I initially spend a year in a spinal cord injury rehab hospital. Had to go back to rehab twice after major burnouts with worsening neurological symptoms, even to the point where half of my trunk is numb. I wear two AFOs and use either a cane, walker or wheelchair depending on the distance. People with chronic pain are already at higher risk for depression and suicide. To make a long story short; I hope you will follow me on wordpress as I describe my experience with CES and the effects on my current life and state of mind. I have no encouraging words or anything of that sort aside from my sincere hope you will stick around to see where life takes you next. My situation improved a little after I started swimming regularly and have craniosacral therapy (a very gentle form of massage with a strong psychological component). And of course, I am on pregabalin and other medications.
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So many times it feels as if the darkness will surely crush me. It is hard to live with constant emotional and physical pain. But my life does matter and it does have purpose. And yours does as well. In your writing I detect strength and fortitude. I detect loyalty and passion. I detect a quick wit and humor. I imagine you can swear with the best if them and you say “wicked” a lot. I detect compassion under a brassy facade. You have taught me so much. I wish you did not have this pain. I wish “I am sorry” could actually take away the hurt. I am certain that all along this journey in life, you have profoundly touched people in a positive way. I have so many questions I have been wanting to ask you. So many things my eyes are finally able to see because of you. This week has been a bad one for me as my little boy suffered a concussion and I am drowning in it all and have not had time to write. But I hope you will choose life and continue to grace us with your raw honesty and your passion and wit.
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To repeat the other commenters: please do not hurt yourself. Please go see a doctor or call 9-1-1 now. You are worth it. I survived an attempt and looking back I wish i never tried. Please talk to someone!!
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Please please please keep yourself safe. I know how hard it is to want to kill yourself and not act on it, I know how we think it will be better for us to not be around anymore, and I know that you probably don’t want to hear any positive encouraging things right now. I don’t know you, but I care about you. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please go to the hospital or a friend or somewhere that you will be safe. Please.
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I know that I am a stranger and nothing I can say would be able to help you in any way, but I need you to know that being human is really freaking weird, and we can never understand why we feel the way we do about anything. And who knows what is going to happen tomorrow, but really, please, go find help, you are worth it. Life isn’t easy, but its the only thing we’ve got. And we are all in it together.
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I for one do not think you are worthless and I think you need to find a pain clinic I hope you are looking for a new doc. I hope you check yourself into hospital now pls remember there is no cure by suicide it just passes the sadness onto those that care about you. you would be giving those a lifetime of suffering
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