Frustrated beyond frustrated

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was struggling with my suicidal thoughts and was having physical pain on top of it. I think I went to sleep somewhere around 4. But I had a crappy sleep as I was up almost every hour after that. I finally gave up around 10ish. I made myself some breakfast and then my niece came upstairs as she needed to be babysat. She was hungry and like what I made, hard boiled eggs, so I made her one.

Lately I have been thinking of smashing my skull in with a 20lb hammer. I haven’t worked out the logistics of doing so but it’s a thought. I just am so depressed that I just want to die. I thought about overdosing on my mood stabilizer today but the most it would do is make me sleep. I might take some tonight if I don’t fall asleep right away. I don’t care. I texted my therapist saying that I don’t want to talk with her on Tuesday and asked her to please don’t call me. I don’t know if she will honor the cancelation. I still have to talk to my pdoc on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. I sent her an email at like 330 in the morning saying that if something should happen to me, that it isn’t her fault. She is not to blame and she is definitely not a failure. I sent the same message to my therapist via text. I just feel like I have to prepare them for the worse that can happen to me. I know I probably am not in my “right” mind. I have been thinking about going to the ER most of the day but I haven’t packed a bag in case they admit me. And I hate weekend admissions so I think I will stay out of the ER for at least until Monday.

My writing partner emailed me. She wants to know what happened at my pdoc appt as she hasn’t heard from me. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t think “I am suicidal and I avoided hospitalization” will go over too well. She said that she was going to text me yesterday but never got around to it. I would have been shocked to get a text message from her. We exchanged cell numbers when she came for a visit about a few weeks ago. It was good chatting with her after spending so much time emailing one another for two years now. I just don’t want her to worry. But if I don’t answer the email, she will worry. I will think of something to say. I always do.

I am very tired. I took my mood stabilizer early this afternoon to try and sleep and I was not too successful. I keep thinking about emptying the rest of the bottle. There are only a handful of pills in it. But there has been no documentation that this drug is lethal. You would need mega doses to kill yourself and I don’t have it. I just want to zone out for a few hours or a day or two. Maybe then, it will snap me out of this funk that I am in. Then on the other hand, I want to text my therapist and let her know what I am thinking. But if I do that, then the cancelation will be canceled and I will have therapy on Tuesday. Only way to get out of it will be to go into the hospital on Monday. If I get there early enough, I probably won’t spend all day there. But it all depends on if there is a bed available where I want to go. I just am frustrated by not knowing.