Another Pain Day

Another Pain Day

I have been up since 6 this morning. I tried to go back to sleep but I failed miserably. Ankle has decided to be a bitch today. I realized that since I have been in the house for most of the week, I can’t do hills. I went to pick up my niece from her after school program and I was so out of breath from walking up the little hill to my street. I used to do that with no problems. Now it is a problem and I don’t like it. Granted being in pain didn’t help matters. I then went up the two flights of stairs and I didn’t have a problem breathing. HUH?? Why is it I get winded on hills but not the stairs?? Strange.

I didn’t go out today, other than to pick up my niece. I wanted to go to the store and get some cream but I was in too much pain and I didn’t want to waste spoons. I took a shower before picking up my niece and that was pushing it. But I had to change because it has been a few days since I last took one.

Despite the temperature cooling off outside, it is hot in my room. So I have the AC on to cool off. The heat is not helping my ankle. I just can’t stand it being more than 70 degrees in my room. It just feels stuffy. I am trying to stay awake while writing this but it’s difficult as I am so tired. I am in so much pain though I doubt I will sleep. It has been an 8 out of 10 all day today. I don’t see the new foot doc until Halloween. I am trying to schedule an appt with my pdoc the same day but she is being elusive with her emails. I give her a time frame I can see her and she doesn’t respond. She did call in a refill for me seeing as I will run out by the time I do see her again.

I waited all day for a stupid secretary to call me back and she never did. I will have to call on Monday now. Just drives me crazy when people say they are going to call and they don’t.

God, I wish I did something to have this pain that I am in but I didn’t do anything. I might have done a few more stair climbs than usual because I have had the hungry horrors today but that has been it. I really can’t stand this anymore. It’s driving me crazy. But watch, my ankle is going to “miraculously” be okay the day I see the doc. I am sure that day is going to be a low pain day. OI. And there is a hurricane in the mix this weekend so maybe that is why my pain is off the charts. I don’t know anymore. I have decided that I am just going to do what I do and the hell with the consequences because my ankle is going to do what it is going to do no matter what. I don’t have control over the pain levels any more. Gone by the way side is taking one pain pill a day. Now it’s 4-6 pills a day. And sometimes, that isn’t enough. There is no getting ahead of the pain because the pain occurs so out of the blue like it is hard to gauge when you are going to have a flare up. Surprisingly, I am not suicidal throughout these pain episodes. I think if I were, I would have to be hospitalized. But then, I wonder which side of the fence I would be hospitalized, medical or psych? If I am suicidal because of pain and if you take the pain away, then I am no longer suicidal. It’s a tough call. I think there have been times I have wanted to page my psychiatrist because I don’t know what to do anymore and I am staring at a bottle of pills. Then there will be other times where I just wish I was dead. There is no medium. There is no one I can commiserate with. No one understands. You tell them you have an injured ankle and they immediately ask “how did you do that”? I have no answer because there was nothing I did that caused this. Least not that I know of. And that is the frustrating part. Maybe I just have CRPS and that is the price I have to pay because I have “evil” thoughts. I don’t know.

The other day I read that some where in Michigan, a body was found at a shopping center. It reminded me of a twisted short story I read by Lawrence Block years ago. There were these two brothers that would vacation together. It seemed normal. They both planned to go to a different state and do some vacationing. Except toward the end of the trip, they would kidnap a lady at a shopping center and do their business with her then kill her and leave her in the woods or some remote place. Creepy story because it had a realness to it. That is what I love about Lawrence Block’s books. He just recently had one of his books turned into a movie. I haven’t seen it yet because, again, it is a twisted story. There are these two guys that love to mutilate women’s breasts before killing them. But they kidnap the women for ransom first. I have read the book at least three times. It is a good book, but I don’t know that I can see what I have read.