I have been stuck on transference of my therapist since I wrote my last blog. I don’t know why, but I just hate her and I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. I want to end therapy. I know I get this way whenever she goes on vacation. The more she is away, the more I don’t want to go back to therapy. Then I feel guilty and try to get back the sessions I canceled. I go back and forth with this until I get settled back in. But this time it’s different. I really don’t want to go back or settle in therapy because I am feeling so much hate towards her. I don’t know where this hate is coming from. I don’t know if it is because she wants me still alive and I don’t want to be or because she went on vacation when I needed her the most. I know that sounds pathetic but it could be that I am hurt by her being gone and I just don’t know what to do but hate her. I don’t even want to talk about it, if only to spare her feelings.
I don’t like this hating my therapist. She technically didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t disrespect me. She didn’t break any boundaries. All she did was try and save my life. And I can’t help but hate her for it. I feel the same way towards my pdoc. I guess what is really hurting me is that I haven’t expressed this hate towards either of them. I just go with the flow. In my family, if you hate someone, you don’t have anything to do with them ever again. My father has done this to numerous family members. That is why he is alone.
I am very tired as I didn’t sleep well. I woke up around 4, in pain. I took something for it and then went to sleep for a couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0930 when I couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to my father’s after I had my coffee. It was really good today. I don’t know what I did differently, but the flavors of the coffee were really full and rich. I need to get more half and half but it was too hot today to be lugging it in this heat. If I get a chance today, I will get my sister’s car and go to the grocery store. That is the last thing I need to buy. I bought my T-pass for the month so now I am broke. This sucks. But I should be getting my rebate from Sprint soon so that will be good.
What keeps ringing in my mind is an article I read a few years ago about counter-transference hate in relation to suicide. It was co-written by two Harvard University psychiatrists. To my knowledge, there has not been a paper about the patient’s experience of hate towards the therapist or psychiatrist and how it interferes with treatment. Way I feel right now, I just want to quit therapy, for good. I am just so damned pissed.
My pain medication prescription has not come by mail yet. I am almost out of my pain meds and it is creating anxiety for me. I only have the strong pain meds, but am reluctant to take them because 1) they aren’t for regular pain that I experience and 2) they constipate me really bad. I have to pick up my niece soon. I am hoping my therapist calls me because if she doesn’t, that will only make the hate worsen. Course, I do have the laziest mailman on the planet. We usually get the mail around 1 and lately we have been getting it after 1530. We literally never know when the mail is going to show up, if it is at all. This isn’t helping my anxiety around not having pain meds because I have to walk several blocks to pick up my niece. And it’s hotter than hell outside.