Being Bipolar is Weird

Being Bipolar is Weird

I went to my father’s and did what I had to do. The bus was late, as usual, and then was speeding the way home. I hate it when bus drivers try and make up time by speeding and then having to slam on the brakes when they reach the bus stop. Drive me nuts and makes me really anxious. While at my father’s, my niece texted me. She wanted to know if I could drop off a box to the post office. I said I would. I wish she would have texted me earlier as I went by the post office on my way to the bus stop on my first leg of my journey. Oh well. I will be leaving soon. If I time it right, I will then pick up my niece rather than come back home and rest for a little bit. My house should have a revolving door for me today as I have been out and in for most of the day, which is unusual for me.

I should have asked my therapist for a session today. I just need someone to talk to as the anxiety that I am feeling is building and Tuesday feels like forever. I know she will probably just say take an Ativan, but I will be babysitting soon so I can’t. I already had to take a pain pill because my mother came home and I had to go up and down stairs to get them in the house. My ankle is not happy about it. Of course, I wasn’t expecting to stand at the bus stop either for more than twenty minutes. I guess I just missed the bus because I had to drop off something at my aunt’s. I hate that. It was hot while I was waiting so I was sweating by the time the bus came.

I don’t know why I feel anxious. I think I am just feeling bad about the whole friend situation and being blocked. I should have blocked her when I said goodbye to her and now I am kicking myself. It reminds me that I haven’t heard from another friend in about a week. We usually just shoot the shit with emails. I miss our conversations. I will try and email her later while babysitting. I also been having ups and downs. My mood has been all over the place and I have been having problems getting to sleep. Usually I am asleep by midnight or earlier, but lately it has been later than that. I just am too energized to sleep. If I am not tired and sleepy, it makes it hard to sleep. I don’t know if I am hypomanic. It’s hard to tell because it happens so infrequently. I have been feeling up but then after a few hours, I feel really down and out. It’s like the dementors have visited me and I will never know joy again. Then the upswing will hit me and I feel “high” for a few more hours. Being bipolar is so weird. There is always this spectrum of being up and down. It doesn’t fit neatly into a category or box. And I am mostly depressed so this up feeling is weird for me, which is probably why I have been writing more blog posts lately. When I am up, I feel like I can do anything because I have this energy that is incredible. Then I get down and life sucks again. The thing that worries me is that when this happens, I tend to have psychotic symptoms in between or before the downs. This usually means I have to take additional meds to treat it. I hate taking more meds than I have to. I am already on ten different meds, not all psych meds. Adding an extra pill just sucks. I realized when I was sixteen that I would need to be on medication for the rest of my life. I just wasn’t planning on gaining a ton of weight and needing more meds to counteract it (i.e., hypertension meds). And because I am inactive due to my disability, losing weight is more of a struggle. I wouldn’t mind being a pill to lose weight. That would be the most ideal for me but of course, the doc won’t prescribe it. It has to be diet control. I am not good at diet control. I like cheeseburgers, cookies, and other sweets. I eat these in moderation but sometimes I crave them and need them. It’s kind of bad that my mother will buy cookies, too. I am so bad with cookies. They are my Achilles heel.

I won’t be driving anytime soon. My sister bought a truck and I am not good with driving huge vehicles. My peripheral vision is not that great and only made worse. I know that if I practice, I will get better but I really don’t want to practice on a new vehicle. It will take me five years to get out of the driveway because I suck at backing up. It just isn’t practical for me to behind the wheel of a huge thing. I am so sad because this means I can’t visit my therapist anymore or take my father to his stupid doctor’s appointment. I will need to change him to another primary care doctor closer to where we live.